As most of you know, I started my own church last year. God has so blessed me that I am already the bishop of the Praise Immanuel Mighty Prince (P.I.M.P.) Temple of Wonderful Happenings and Experiences. I’ve decided that you people need to be as blessed as I am. I want you to move to the next level just as I have been able to move the temple to the next level. As such, I am giving you the opportunity to be blessed of God by sowing a seed into this powerfully anointed ministry and helping me to enlarge my territory (and maybe buy that new SR22) for church ministry.
Now, one of the reasons I’m so blessed is because I try to be a good steward of the property, money, and blessings God has given me. I try to spend as little as I can while keeping you informed of what God is telling me about you.
As such, I am using this site to get my ministry letter out to you. Rather than sending a letter to each of you (even with bulk mail that’s a lot of money in postage and envelopes), I want you to click here and read the PDF of the letter I wrote. Every place “fill in your name here” appears in parentheses, say your name , your first name so it will be as warm and familiar as I intend it to be.
Take a look at the letter so you can see what God told me about you and what He wants to do in your life. But you have to make sure you read it and obey it if you want God to act in your life. He can’t act until you do. That means if you fail to act, right now, you are going to continue to drag through your tired little life without any hope of the prosperity God is waiting to give you. So read it and obey it , NOW.
Oh, and if you’re in the neighborhood, give us a visit. Vicki “Boom Boom” Parker, former Exotic Dancer (the crass local newspapers continue to call her a stripper) and current praise leader at the P.I.M.P. Temple will be performing during praise and worship every Sunday morning. There’s no cover charge.
And remember, if you need a ride to the temple, we just…uh…acquired five more slightly used vans for the Transportation Ministry. All of the Vehicle Identification Numbers (VINs) have been modified so my Chief of Acquisitions, Keys McMillan should be safe from prosecution for the time being. I thought the new paint jobs were a nice touch too.
But back to the letter. Click here, read it, and send me Your Best Offering Now.
Merlin 8:13
Never read from the book of Melvin while drinking a carbonated beverage as this may lead to a sticky computer screen.
Please note, there is no actual book of Merlin. 8:13 was the time in CST at which I wrote this note.
Yes there is a book of Merlin
A & E did a story in it as the lost book of the Bible.
As I recall, the book gave described on of the lost tribe’s of Israel. They were called the Pimpslamadadums. They went from place to place spreading God’s word, and took offerings. They started out walking, but ended up riding on donkey’s, the Bentley of the day.
Anyhow. log on to aande.com to see the text of that tv show.
LOL. melville, you always make me laugh when you’re trying to be hip. “a fully tricked out plane” lol.
LOL!!!!!!!!!
….I’m sending that seed in RIGHT NOW!!!!!! THANK YA’ LAAAAWD!!!!! MY BLESSIN’ IS ON THE WAY!!!!!!!!
what should I “look at my neighbor” and say….ROFLOL!!!
wow, umhhh, oh please mandogawt, let me be your armourbearer? I will make sure we get you a shofar and a sword so that we can show everyone how much of a king’s kid you are. I mean you are his “favorite” child. Oh yeah, I won’t even ask you to help me pay for the flying lessons for the sr22 turbo so I can fly you around. I will just refinance, put a second mortage on the house and take out an equity loan to cover the classes (and insurance). And if I get any money off of selling the books for my class I will sow it back into the ministry so you have gas money. I will probably have to walk to the church because I can’t afford to get my brakes fixed, but I believe every single word that the mandogawt spews.. I mean speaks out of his mouth.
That was HILARIOUS!!!! You are soooo funny!!! How do you come up with this stuff??????
Nice satire, Melvin. Too bad it will be lost on the ones that need their bubbles burst by your pointed pen. Perhaps God will grant some of them repentance unto the acknowledging of the truth so they can get out of those snares fashioned by Satan’s agents.
Once again, you have me laughing my socks off, Bro. Melvin! Seriously though, it is really moronic the way the wolves send out the letters, vying for a cut of the sheeple’s money…
Mel, You might want to have that copyrighted. You know the pimps will be preaching it the very next week.
What a neat little favicon you have now Melvin
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Thanks Melvin! That was hilarious. The pimps may have a desire to hire you to write their appeals!
What do I get if I send you a tophat piece from the game oh Benevelant One?
This site’s very interesting and seems to have good intention; although I’m not sure if the tone of the site is biblical,
Charles Hodge “What is Presbyterianism?” in A. A. Hodge, The Westminster Confession: A Commentary, p. 407 said
They “Galatians” are required not to believe every spirit; but to try the spirits–to sit in judgment on the question whether those who came to them as religious teachers were really sent of God. The Galatians are severely censured for giving heed to false doctrines, and are called to pronounce even an apostle “anathema” if he preached another gospel.
The Church today has the same mandate, we’re to question our religious teaches to see if indeed they’re sent from God, and to pronounce even an apostle “anathema” if he preached another gospel.
I will say that the brother’s and sisters on this site seem to be well versed in scripture and the fundamentals of our faith, while the sword is razor sharp on that side it appears to be dull on the other side. Melvin Jones this sites facilitator
seems to enjoy and allow Foolish talking and coarse jesting, Paul warns the Church in Eph 5:3-4.
“Let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints; neither filthiness, not foolish talking, nor coarse jesting, which are not fitting.”
Paul carry’s his though from Eph 4, where he described how Christians should relate to one another, Paul’s idea is that we are to make God our example and model, 1 Peter 1:15-16, as He who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, because it is written, “Be holy, for I am holy.”
My comment’s are not meant to discourage but to encourage Mr. Jones to continue exposing the false teaches of our day, but don’t forget the responsibility we have as Christians, how we are to relate to one another in love, avoiding that which is not fitting.
God Bless
Paul, how do you view Elijah’s jesting with the false prophets of Baal by suggesting that possibly their “god” wasn’t answering because he might be on the toilet??
Or Paul’s suggestion that since the Judaizers vexing the Galatians loved circumcision so much, he wished they’d go all the way and cut their manhood off??
Or Jesus’ sarcasm with the Pharisees (false teachers) of His day?? Log in the eye?? Whitewashed tombs?? Blind leading the blind into a ditch??
Foolish talking is defined in the Greek as “talking foolishness”. Is it foolishness to discuss the behavior and doctrine of these “ministers”?? Their very DEEDS are crude and foolish,so should we just not discuss them?? What is “crude” about our humor as opposed to Paul’s or Elijah’s or Christ’s?? Should they have kept a dour appearance, and been respectful of the false teachers and prophets??
Besides, we’re not dealing with “each other” here,meaning Christians. We’re dealing with false teachers, who are universally described in the harshest, most vitriolic, most demeaning terms found in the entire Bible. Do a little study on it sometime, and find all the instances where false teachers are addressed in terms of anything other than derision, and write them down.
That’ll be one empty sheet of paper when you’re done.
Brother Paul, however, does have a good point. IMHO).
For one, there have been plenty of discussions where people other than false teachers (i.e. Kanye West’s Mother, OPHRAH, Dr.Phill, etc) were dealt with and the ways in which they were adressed did not seem appropiate. I’m reminded of this:
Jude 1:8-9
8In the very same way, these dreamers pollute their own bodies, reject authority and slander celestial beings. 9But even the archangel Michael, when he was disputing with the devil about the body of Moses, did not dare to bring a slanderous accusation against him, but said, “The Lord rebuke you!”
As John Macarther said on the subject, “It’s wrong to speak slander someone in authority. Michael wouldn’t even do that to the devil. Even when someone is wrong, let God be the judge. That’s a good practical principle. We sometimes want unjustly condemn others. Rather, we ought to say, “The Lord will take care of the situation.” I don’t have to name and accuse every apostate in town, for the Lord said, “…Vengeance is Mine; I will repay…” (Rom. 12:19). However, one of the marks of an apostate is criticism: they speak evil of God’s leaders. In Titus 3:1-3 Paul said, “…speak evil of no man….” But in our society, speaking evil of people is a kind of game we play.”
I agree with you Double-G, but somehow I don’t see Oprah, Kanye West’s mother or Dr Phil as authorities in anything even remotely important…then again it’s just me
Errrrrrrrrr…………they aren’t God’s leaders, and they aren’t God’s authorities. Their teachings and lifestyle put them far outside the possibility of ever being so.
Who is under Oprah’s authority (beside silly women laden with sin I mean)?? Or Dr Phil?? You mean to tell us that secular folks who preach poison and do just as much damage as these false teachers IN the church are immune from being the subjects of warnings to the flock?? We should just let Oprah continue to infiltrate the church with her New Ageism and her false Christ?? Based upon what?? She has no authority. She just yammers on TV.
Leadership and authority in the church is entirely contingent upon moral rectitude as outlined in 1 Timothy 3. Failing that, they abrogate leadership and authority and should be exposed publicly as mandated by 1 Timothy 5 once they have been confronted without repentance.
Speaking truth is not slander……….in fact it’s a perfect legal defense against the charge of slander.
Carry over your thoughts to Godly men in the pulpit, or our political leaders,and I agree. Don’t curse GW Bush, pray for him. Don’t gossip about your pastor if he’s living in accordance with Biblical standards. But to extend this to false teachers and the poisonous influence of TV personalities who undermine the Gospel because they have some sort of supposed “authority” is simply beyond my capacity to comprehend.
Double-G,
Can I get a clarification?
What specifically was said about Kayne West’s mother, Oprah or Dr. Phil that was inappropriate?
How do any of those people fit into what Jude is saying? Neither of them is included in the context of Jude’s statement concerning “authorities” or “celestial beings”, are they?
Which part of what you qouted John MacArthur as saying were his words and which part is your own words added for emphasis? You didn’t finish the quote so I’m unable to tell where his words were supposed to have stopped and yours were to have begun. You also didn’t do any nuancing of his statement so I missed the point that you were trying to make.
You typed:
(DG) “Even when someone is wrong, let God be the judge.”
(BLD) I agree, but when we rightly use the scripture to make our judgments, isn’t God in effect the One doing the judging? Are you judging us as wrong for how we have spoken against these people? If we’re wrong, how come YOU don’t have to let God be the judge?
Then you typed:
(DG) “We sometimes want unjustly condemn others. Rather, we ought to say, “The Lord will take care of the situation.” I don’t have to name and accuse every apostate in town, for the Lord said, “…Vengeance is Mine; I will repay…”
(BLD) Uhh? What? It seems that you are now mixing terminology. You went from accusing us of judging (wrongfully) to now accusing us of condemning.
Also, do you have a chapter and verse or verses for your assertion that we should rather say “The Lord will take care of the situation”. Sorry sir, but why didn’t God just take us out of here when He saved us if He didn’t have any work for us to do here on the earth. That includes identifying false teachers in an attempt to warn the unsuspecting person.
Also, since when is “naming” an apostate the same as taking vengeance. No one is calling for them to be stoned. (vengeance) No one is calling for them to be beheaded. (vengeance) No one is calling for them to be crucified. (vengeance) Calling a spade a spade is in no way vengeance my brother.
Finally you typed:
(DG) “one of the marks of an apostate is criticism: they speak evil of God’s leaders. In Titus 3:1-3 Paul said, “…speak evil of no man….” But in our society, speaking evil of people is a kind of game we play.”
(BLD) Which one of the Pulpit Pimps that are mentioned on this blog do YOU consider to be one of God’s leaders? How about Kanye West’s mother? Oprah? Dr. Phil? Are you saying that we are apostate for calling these people what they are? Are you serious?!
By the way, in what context is Paul’s admonition to “speak evil of no man” spoken and to be understood. I hate when people pull phrases out of the bible and out of their respective context, in order to put forth the kinds of things you are stating. Be fair to the people that you criticize by being faithful to the text that you’re using to do so. THAT is a good practical principle! And again aren’t you criticizing us? Do you consider that speaking evil of us? Did you think about the personal emplications of the charges that you were leveling before you leveled them?
No one here is playing games. This is a serious situation that can’t be handled with the kid gloves that people seem to want to use. Were so busy trying not to hurt anyone’s feelings that people continue to deceive and be deceived. Sometimes while resusitating someone who has stopped breathing it so happens that one or more of their ribs are broken. If some of you had your way, you would allow the person to die before you would risk such an injury. In fact, you’d probably lose several minutes trying to decide which breath mint to put in your mouth before you performed the CPR. Well the sheeple are in the same predicament as a victim who is not breathing and some of us don’t believe we should just stand by and whisper softly that they “might” be wrong.
Double G, if I have you all wrong then please supply the clarification that I asked for at the beginning of this post. If I have you all right, then please either rethink your position or defend it as best you can.
Bro Lawrence D,
Yes Brah, you have me all wrong……
And Bro Gary V, what I was saying wasn’t meant with the intention of spreading over to how one treats false teachers….but again, my bad for not clarifying that. I would’ve written more, but didn’t think it was needed……
Plan on getting some clarifications from me later. Note by the way that many of the statements you attributed to me as making were by Macarther…..& to answer one of your questions, I tried to make certain that the quote had “quotations (i.e. “i.e.” around it so that you’d know that I was quoting someone. There were no accusations made against anyone
Wanted to make the offer to the both of you…. that in the event that my reply post either doesn’t make the cut or doesn’t represent clearly what I’m trying to say, you’re more than welcome to email me/exchange numbers.
ggreave1@students.kennesaw.edu
Love to dialouge/pursue truth with the both of you sometime (2 Timothy 2:7-18)
After having a good laugh, I thought about the many many people who are really blinded that they cannot see the actual arrogance and decietfulness of these false prophets and prophetess. Be on the lookout, someone just might send you an offering, lol.
LOL at the Monopoly tokens. Far more creative than the run of the mill prayer cloth/miracle oil/miracle water/rosary types of “points of contact”!
I’m not criticizing the biblical rebuke of false teachers, I ‘m pointing out that in a public forum (this site) Christians (you and I) have a responsibility in how we deal with the world, why? Because theirs a light that shins in the believer, this light must not be put under the lamp shade of our flesh, the world must see our deed’s as well as how we deal with false teachers, how else will they glorify our father. (I know I got a bit poetic, I’m sorry) Paul’s doesn’t make jesting mockery or coarse language the corner stone of his ministry strong rebuke absolutely, insults and arrogant statements? We’re not Paul, Elijah, or Christ, we are the Church his body and we have been given instructions on how we are to behave, with the Church and in the world. Scripture says
Heb 4:12 For the word of God [is] quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and [is] a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.
I’m sure that what ever you think jesting, mockery or deeming language can accomplish, it can’t compare with what the word of God can do. (MN: Which is why I and others use the Word here on this site. And it’s why I insist people back up what they say with the Word. )
God bless
Paul,
You have a point and I have been guilty of going over the line in some exchanges that I have had with different people. I believe that most of the posters are sincere and passionate about their beliefs, and sometimes our zeal turns into overzealousness. It’s easy to go from defending the Gospel or a point of view to making sport of an opponent or being a bully. Bottom line: where apologetics (Christian defense) and evangelism (Christian offense) is concerned, we have to guard against fighting/playing/communicating dirty.
Peace out
Bro Paul
I think you make a fair point - you could even take it further - because I like a joke, I find myself even more on guard eg at work where the jokes start at a simple “moral” level but quickly descend to innuendos and often outright dirty talk.
I love this site - but on occasions I too have decided not to post because I felt I could get drawn down an unprofitable road - this I add, is rare but you’re right, we should be careful.
If I may, Paul,
While others have quite eloquently expressed the concept of verse out of context to its placement in the Bible, I would add verse out of context to your argument to the list of dangling participles.
You are talking about insults and criticism, and you support it with a verse on the Word of God?
I’m sure that I missed your point.
Merlin: I’m not sure I understand your point, please expound
Again Mr. Jones is doing a fine job. I merely suggested that he reflect upon the language and tone used on his site. Christians are accountable to the Word of God and to each other, is there a better opportunity to revael the spirit of God than when it comes time to deal with their offensives, but we don’t get a pass. The world loves to mock, attack and humiliate, it loves when we behave in the same manner. It’s unfortunate but we are under a microscope, again we are to rebuke and correct even proclaim them “anathema” (and that’s strong) but worldly insults, prideful and coarse language is behavior that is unacceptable and beneath children of the most High God no matter how we attempt to justify it.
God bless
(MN: I’m not real clear on the language you see as prideful, or coarse for that matter. Care to explain? )
Paul,
I have reread Hebrews 3 and 4 several times now. I have in my mind put Heb 4:12 back into its Biblical context. I do not see that this verse supports your contention that we (or Melvin and this site) are demonstrating charactistics of the heart about which this passage speaks. Quite the opposite. I don’t believe that this explanation concerning why a particular group was omitted from the kingdom is relevant to this situation in which false teachers are being called out. If anything, this text applies to these false teachers. What is in their hearts that condemns them?
So, that is why I don’t understand your point. Your scripture does not seem to me to be relevant to the discussion. Christian behavior towards one another certainly has better references, not that I agree that this site demonstrates a lack of Christian behavior as a rule.
I hope that this explanation will suffice.
Merlin, The uses of Heb 4:12 was an attempt to encourage the use of scripture to prick the heart, attacks on the flesh (mocking, joking, attacking ones intelligent) only breads contempt. Our battle is not against flesh and blood (Eph 6:12), if we engage the adversary in his house, using weapons of the flesh we fight with a severe handicap, even if we appear to win we’ve only won a fleshly battle.
God Bless
Ps, MN I believe the response from some of your visitor’s answers your question
(I’m not real clear on the language you see as prideful, or coarse for that matter. Care to explain? )
(MN: I’m a little on the slow side. You’ll have to be explicit. Point them out. )
I love it! You are too funny! Sounds like your church’s foundation meets today’s standards for a solid and prosperous ministry. Any special services in the ministry’s future?
In Florida, a “SR-22″ is a special certificate of insurance, required of those annointees who have received the “blessing” of DWI, DUI, having an accident without having proper Liability insurance.
Love the site, appreciate the humor!!!