The results of the “Pulpit-Pimps You Might Be Getting Pimped” contest are in. They have been verified by the accounting firm Dewey, Cheatum and Howe and sent via a 1993 Ford Escort, and guarded by four scowling beefy guys to the luxurious offices of P-P.Org, located in lovely downtown Bowie, MD.

Out of 200 votes, 51 (25%) went to Eucatastrophe! Congratulations!

Voted by the readers as the best way to tell if you are being pimped:

If your pastor organizes a banquet in his own honor, charges $100 per plate, AND takes up a love offering, you might be getting pimped.

When asked what book he wanted, Eucatastrophe asked that the money to be used for a book instead be given to the Bible League. Apparently his wife read him the riot act when he told her he was going to get ANOTHER book. Hmm. Sounds kind of like my house.

Anyway, I thank Eucatastrophe for the suggestion. And in fact, I encourage you to consider contributing as well.

I submitted the contribution this morning. Here’s a scan of the e-receipt.

Thank you all again for participating in the contest.

I forget who suggested it, but I like the idea of developing the list into a poster. I’ll get on that and see what I can come up with. Ideas are welcomed.

Pulpit Pimps | 28 Comments »

I suggest that people are not edified by most of the sermons preached by the pulpit pimps and the people who follow the example of the pimps. By edified, I mean built up in an understanding of Christianity, of what it means to be a Christian, of how to live a truly vibrant and Spirit-filled life.

Most of the preachers are actually screachers, especially if they have high pitched voices. Most of them seem to think that volume is a gift of the Holy Spirit, given in place of teaching.

This is the wife of Bishop Owens, the man John K. Jenkins of First Baptist Church of Glenarden joined forces with to sponsor the “revival” at the beginning 2007. She is the co-pastor of Greater Mount Calvary Holy Church. How good a job do you think she does in training the women in holiness? And why does she assume that all the women are fly girls (is that too old a phrase to use?) Why do these people talk to their “charges” as though they are a bunch of low-life losers?

Seems like she came up with a new phrase. Not only is this the year of an overflowing breakthrough, it seems that this our turning point.

And it seems 2007 is our way out-out-out.

As I listen to her, it almost sounds as if she is making this stuff up as she goes along. But hey, she certainly is enthusiastic. Of course, the only thing enthusiasm does is put her right up there in the ranks with Mrs. “Holy Ghost Enema” Hinn herself.

Is it any wonder some people have such a distorted view of spirituality and the Holy Spirit?

Pulpit Pimps | 223 Comments »

Some troublemaker out there (I think it was IC, but I’ll blame him even if it wasn’t) began discussing the subject of Tongues as practiced by the Pentecostals. I asked that we hold off until I could produce a posting to give us something of a framework in which to discuss the subject. This is that posting. Thanks again for your patience. I am purposely limiting this post to Tongues. Otherwise, it would quickly work its way into a book. And there are enough of those out there already. And - I am not saying that people who do the tongues thing are pimps or even pimped - not automatically. (more…)

Pulpit Pimps | 278 Comments »

The results of the “You Might Be Getting Pimped” contest are in. And once again you demonstrate that you, the readers, have some outstanding imaginations.

Rather than have you go through a long list of inputs (some were less outstanding than others) I have chosen what I consider the top ten of the candidates. And they are , in no particular order:

1. If your pastor organizes a banquet in his own honor, charges $100 per plate, AND takes up a love offering, you might be getting pimped.

2. If your pastor’s idea of a theological education is watching TBN, you might be getting pimped.

3. If your pastor has a nationwide 800 number with HIS name in it, you might be getting pimped.

4. If your pastor has a walk-in closet bigger than your studio apartment, you might be getting pimped.

5. If your pastor’s house was featured on MTV’s “Cribs”, you might be getting pimped.

6. If the female co-pastor needs someone to hold her hands up during service because the diamonds on the rings are so big, you might be getting pimped.

7. If your bishop is found guilty of sex charges and is in jail, and he is STILL called bishop, you might be getting pimped.

8. If the ushers seat you according to your W-2, you might be getting pimped.

9. If you invite your pastor to a birthday party and he asks for a love offering, you might be getting pimped.

10. If your pastor still wears a Jeri curl, you might be getting pimped.

The poll is to the right, in the spot polls usually show up.

Let me know which one you like.

Pulpit Pimps | 51 Comments »

Every once in a while I like to change up the pace, deal with something that isn’t quite so…um…depressing. And that’s where Little Stevie Wonder comes in!!!

As you know, one of my pass times is visiting Little Stevie Wonder’s site to see what he is up to now. Yes, I realize this is a sad statment on the quality of my life. But that’s beside the point.

Usually, he has some weak-kneed preacher or preacherette on display. Occasionally he will promote a straight-up pimp. But recently, LSW demonstrated that he is the master of irony - though I don’t think it was intentional.

In one of his latest posts, entitled “Does the Devil Read Our Press Clippings?” LSW has a fit complaining about folks who promote themselves. Yes, that’s right. Mr. “I Had Thirty Billion Hits This Month” Smith, the man who lists his speaking engagements from thirteen years in the past, apparently has a hard time with other people who promote themselves. Go figure.

He says:

How can the Body of Christ spend so much time tooting our own horns, when our cities are under attack?

Then he writes:

Maybe we should spend less time positioning ourselves in a flamboyant manner and more time putting our known enemy on the run!

Now don’t get me wrong. I think it is inappropriate for a minister of the Gospel to promote himself or the work he is doing in the manner Stephen has done over the last several months. John the Baptist pointed out that we must decrease while Christ increases. And people should see the Christ in us. But I think it is deliciously ironic that he would come out with a post focused on that very topic.

Sure the post was more pabulum and his theology still sucks. But this time it was such ironic pabulum.

I love this job!

Pulpit Pimps | 119 Comments »

The site’s readership has been growing and changing. New readers come in, old ones get tired of my humor and leave. But the bottom line is this: Every so often, I get a string of whiners telling me I shouldn’t use the awful names I use to describe the pimps - er, words like “pimps.” I then spend time letting them know that I am actually being very generous in what I call them. Rather than write a message from scratch, here is a posting from about two years ago. It discusses what God thinks of the Pimps. (BTW - I found the picture on the web. Unfortunately, I didn’t create it from scratch. Wish I had though.

Okay, here’s the thing. Some of you in the audience say I’m not loving. And I should be loving because God is love. I shouldn’t be judgmental of these people who preach a false doctrine. I should love them and pray for them.

And since I consider myself to be a man who at least tries to obey the Bible, I have decided to emulate God and say the same things He says. Since God is love, and God is perfect, then He only says loving things. So if I say the same things that God says, then I’m loving too. Right?

Okay, let’s run with that for right now.

Here are some of the same things God says about false teachers:

· They are ravenous wolves (Matthew 7:15-16)
· They are practicers of lawlessness (Matthew 7:22-23)
· They are hypocrites ( Matt 15:7-9)
· They are thieves (John 10:1)
· They are slaves of their own appetites (Romans 16:18)
· They are men of flesh (1 Cor 3:1-4)
· They are peddlers of the word of Christ(2 Cor 2:17)
· They are accursed (Galatians 1:6-8)
· They are tricksters and schemers (Ephesians 4:14)
· They are deluders (Ephesians 4:14)
· They are deceivers (Colossians 2:8)
· They are defrauders (Colossians 2:18-19)
· They are teachers of strange doctrine (1 Timothy 1:3)
· They are blasphemers, and have been handed over to Satan (1 Timothy 1:19-20)
· They are teachers of myth (2 Timothy 4:3-4)
· They are paying attention to deceitful spirits and doctrines of demons (1 Timothy 4:1-3)
· They are liars (1 Timothy 4:1-3)
· They are conceited and understand nothing (1 Timothy 6:3-4)
· They have gone astray (1 Timothy 6:20-21)
· They are evil men, deceiving and being deceived (2 Timothy 3:13)
· They are empty talkers, after sordid gain (Titus 1:10-11)
· They turn away from the truth (Titus 1:13-14)
· They are false prophets, false teachers, greedy exploiters (2 Peter 2:1-4)
· They are stains and blemishes, greedy, loving of wages of unrighteuosness (2 Peter 2:13-15)
· They are slaves of corruption (2 Peter 2:19-20)
· They are ungodly (Jude 4)
· They are rebellious people (Isaiah 30:9)

So I guess if I am going to emulate God, I should call the people who promote a different gospel wolfish, hypocritical practitioners of lawlessness who are enslaved to their own appetites, while being men of flesh and peddlers of the word, who by the way are accursed and deluding and deceiving, while teaching myths and paying attention to deceiving spirits, while at the same time being empty talkers and being greedy exploiters while being blemishes and stains, and being ungodly.

Hmmm. You know, I don’t really feel like typing this phrase every time I refer to the pimping inhabitants of the pulpit. I’ll just keep calling them pimps and pimpettes. It’s a lot more succinct.

Pulpit Pimps | 35 Comments »

You’ve been waiting patiently. For that I thank you. Here is my response.

I don’t believe Mr. Lewis is a pimp. That is, I don’t believe he is trying to get rich by telling you to give him money and by selling you worthless sermons, trinkets, or prayer cloths. And as far as I can verify independently, I don’t see that he does any of the things one generally attributes to the subjects of this web site. Yes, he promotes tithing. And yes, he does say “turn to your neighbor and say [fill in the blank]. But those things do not a pimp make.

I have listened to several interviews and a couple of segments from his presentation. I’ve even looked at several of the PowerPoint slide presentations he uses. They were available for download (free) from his site (click here ). The fact that he gives away anything is a major argument against his pimping. (more…)

Pulpit Pimps | 527 Comments »

I thought I’d give you a couple of items after the wedding. The first one is a picture of the Bride and Groom.

The second is a video clip of the Benevolent Dictator having a good time dancing with his sister. (Warning: It’s not the Electric Slide. )

Pulpit Pimps | 11 Comments »

(MN: Just so you know, the creator of the list is Keith T out of Atlanta. )

While they aren’t fool proof, there are certain indicators that can indicate whether or not you are being pimped. With a tip of the hat to Jeff Foxworthy, always remember:

1. If you are waiting at the bus stop on Sunday morning and your pastor drives by blasting “Money Comin’” in his Rolls-Royce Phantom . . . you might be gettin’ pimped!
2. If it’s easier to get in to see the President of the United States than it is to see your pastor…you might be gettin’ pimped!
3. If the pastor’s armor bearers have better weapons and communications equipment than the Secret Service…you might be gettin’ pimped!
4. If your pastor is on a first name basis with more celebrities than he is with people in the congregation…you might be gettin’ pimped!
5. If your pastor spends more in restaurants than you spend for groceries for your family of four…you might be gettin’ pimped!
6. If your pastor’s garage has more floor space and is better heated than your apartment…you might be gettin’ pimped!
7. If your pastor’s house can be seen from space with the naked eye…you might be gettin’ pimped!
8. If you pastor owns more property than Donald Trump…you might be gettin’ pimped!
9. If your pastor’s “ministry” has him constantly shuttling between Atlantic City, Las Vegas, and Lake Tahoe in the “ministry’s” business jet…you might be gettin’ pimped!
10. If your pastor’s address book reads more like the “Who’s Who” of the local political party…you might be gettin’ pimped!
11. If one of your pastor’s cars cost more than your house…you might be gettin’ pimped!
12. If your pastor owns more cars than there are days of the week…you might be gettin’ pimped!
13. If one of your pastor’s suits costs more than the total your family spends on clothing for the year…you might be gettin’ pimped!
14. If your pastor has given his children cars that you have only dreamed of…you might be gettin’ pimped!
15. If your love offering equals your car note and your breakthrough still hasn’t come . . . you might be gettin’ pimped!
16. If you suddenly get the feeling that you’ve heard your bishop’s sermon preached somewhere else before . . . you might be gettin’ pimped!
17. And finally, if your pastor’s love offering is larger than the gross national product of the average third world country…you might be gettin’ pimped!

Pulpit Pimps | 58 Comments »

I’m going to be out of pocket for Friday (8 June) , Saturday (9 June), and most of Sunday (10 June). One of my boys (#2) is getting married Saturday afternoon. Joseph Scott Jones will become the husband of Jenny Francois. The wedding will take place at the United States Military Academy (West Point) at the cadet chapel.

I’ll try to take a couple of pictures and post them if you’re interested.

That’s three of my boys married off. One more to go!

Pulpit Pimps | 39 Comments »

I hadn’t been bothering Hagee. Maybe it was because he uses Clarence Larkin’s diagrams when he preaches. Or maybe it was because he tells some pretty good jokes.

Yeah, a couple of months ago Profitess Bind’em appeared on his show. But I am gracious enough to look at that as an anomaly. And yes, he does apparently teach a dual track to salvation (I believe it’s called “Dual Covenant”). But that doesn’t necessarily make you an unprincipled pimp.

However, a couple of days ago, while cruising around the pimps’ sites, I came across a picture of Hagee and Copeland, together, on Copeland’s show. Hanging with Kenee DOES make you a pimp, or a a minimum a PS, or Pimp Suspect.

Here a picture of the loving couple together.

I looked at the picture and thought: “You know, that might no be Hagee. Maybe it’s another one of Kennee’s pimp friends. ” So I looked a little deeper into Kennee’s site and came up with this - click here.

As you can see, Kennee did indeed have Hagee on his show. Always remember: In the Land of Pimp, you are known by the company you keep.

Sigh. One more name is officially added to the Pimp List. One more target has been identified and is being tracked. At this rate, my targeting system is going to be overwhelmed within the year.

Hagee | 143 Comments »

No. I didn’t misspell Broadway. I meant exactly what I typed.

One of the basic defenses used by the prosperity pimps’ defenders is “God is blessing him/her because he/she has lots of people in his/her church, and he/she is doing well financially. And by the way, you’re just jealous because they have nice clothes, a nice car, and a big house.” But every time I hear that I can’t help but think of Jesus’ words about the narrow path and the rich ruler.

Joe Ouellette pointed me to a short film he created (yes, I know I’m advertising for him, but it really is quite good). It brings up yet again, all the things I say about the pimps, the pimpettes, and the sheeple who flock after them, eager to be fleeced.

These people see you as nothing more than a ride to easy street. They don’t have to study. They don’t have to depend on God. All they have to do is practice their delivery. And as someone once said - if you can learn to fake sincerity, you’ve got it made.

Pulpit Pimps | 211 Comments »