In the world of capitalism, it’s inevitable that one commercial success will inspire people to give their best and try to turn a profit with their own ideas.
It hasn’t even been four days since Pulpit-pimps.org announced the new game, Your Best Life Now, by Joel Osteen and those entrepreneurs waiting in the wings have already rushed to market with games of their own.
In order to keep you as informed as possible, we have provided the latest list in Holy Fun games for your consideration.
Holy Scrabble
Based on the ever popular Scrabble, Holy Scrabble has turned the original on its head. The biggest rule in traditional Scrabble is using words that appear in a standard dictionary. But with his usual genius, T. Dexter Jakes has developed the reverse rule. You can only use a word if it doesn’t appear in the Bible. The educational benefit of this game goes far beyond the trite development of vocabulary. With Holy Scrabble, you not only have fun but you find out which essential doctrines of Christianity you can reject or simply ignore with the simple-minded claim of “It’s not in the Bible.”
You can even use the game to develop excuses for not addressing real issues that face real Christians. Don’t want to address AIDS because the solution may offend too many D/L music directors? You don’t have to! AIDS isn’t in the Bible!
And of course, this gives you powerful information in your efforts to convince your congregation that people like Melvin Jones are terribly wrong because words like “pimp”, “con artist”, and “ho’” aren’t in the Bible.
Don’t want to address women pastors? You don’t have to! It never says “Women can’t be pastors,” so we can’t have a position on it.
Is your biggest contributor a wife beater? Forget about it! “Domestic violence” isn’t in the Bible so you don’t have to talk about it! And you’d know that after only a few games of Holy Scrabble.
The game will help you develop an entire list of subjects you don’t have to preach on , since they’re not in the Bible. Buy it today and relieve yourself of the strain of preaching unpopular messages that may impact your church’s income and ability to grow in numbers.
Take your sermons to a whole new level of popularity and uselessness with Holy Scrabble. Hey, it’s from T. Dexter. It has to be anointed.
Testament Twister
Testament Twister is the newest game from the game company Jakes, Osteen, Kierny, and E V. Hilliard the newest designer and manufacturer of religious board games where they say “If you buy our products, the JOKE’s on you!”
As with the other simple-minded games, the premise of Twister is simple.
Players are given the same verse and a color. Each player then has 30 seconds to come up with the best twisting of that verse. Whoever comes up with the most convincing twisting of the assigned verse gets a pass on putting his foot or hand on the corresponding colored circle. Whoever consistently does the best job and is standing after all the others have fallen is the winner.
This game is very educational and lets you practice your ad hoc interpretations and applications until you are able to come up with crazy doctrine without even thinking about it. Need money? Learn to twist references to the Israelites and make people think they will be blessed financially if they give to you. It’s a minimum investment in time with a huge return in cash, free lawn service and other perqs.
TBNopoly
In this game you play a televangelist. The first one to get all the contributions from all the churches is the winner. All you have to do is avoid the “Face Christ at the Bema Seat” square. There is no income tax since officially you’re a church and don’t pay taxes. Let’s say you land on “Higher Calling Christian Center” and you pull a card from the pile. You might find out that you get $10,000 when the pastor of Higher Calling takes up a love offering. As a bonus, you’ll even get the hoopty one of the single moms drove to church that night.
If you land on the “Do Not Go To Seminary” square you get to take twelve turns without anybody else rolling the dice. That way, you get to build a church organization and profit center without worrying about stupid things like doctrine. As one of the creators of the game (Frederck K. C. Price) said, it’s doctrine that screwed the church up in the first place.
Instead of the racing car token, you get a choice of a gold plated Bentley, a gold miniature replica of Janet’s wig, a miniature gold plated vial of oil, and a miniature satellite dish engraved with a dollar sign.
Remember , the first to get all the money from the churches along the game path wins.
Place your order for these and other very profitable games today. Send cash, certified check or money order to:
Scam Games Ministries
12456 Anathem Lane
Bowie, MD 20716
Remember, in God we trust. Everybody else pays cash.
Dude, those were funny, get ready(which I know you are) the pro pimp group is on the way.
Hey did you get a chance to check out the newest pimp conference by Greg Davis. http://www.gregdavisministries.org/
The first thing you hear on his site is about praying for a new car. Look at the top of the page when you open it, you have a list of all the cards you can use to give “GENEROUS” donations. He’s hosting a conference I saw Bishop Clarence McClendon, as one of the speakers.
That is c
He may not be a pimp, you can’t do more than what you know.
This is crazy.
(MN: Could you be a bit more specific? )
I think he was introducing himself Melvin.
Hello Crazy!!!
This is t-o-o-o much ROTFLOL at 5:48 AM! Hi guys; I love it!
I am curious,
What do you think about the Minister Jeremiah Cummings (teaches the Jesus is Lord —through the Koran?!)? Initially I had a bad bad unction about him. Then I saw a picture of him. He still looks like Farrakhan and those of the Nation, he has said that some come to see him preach!?! I just do not know much about this gentleman, and I desire to know what you may know of this him.
He is a con man plain and simple
[1] But there were false prophets also among the people, even as there shall be false teachers among you, who privily shall bring in damnable heresies, even denying the Lord that bought them, and bring upon themselves swift destruction.
[2] And many shall follow their pernicious ways; by reason of whom the way of truth shall be evil spoken of.
[3] And through covetousness shall they with feigned words make merchandise of you: whose judgment now of a long time lingereth not, and their damnation slumbereth not.
(2 Peter 2:1-3)
Jeremiah Cummings was on TBN. He is linked up with Paul Crouch. He all I know about this guy is that he is false and he teaches out of the Koran and the Bible and churches all of the states have been letting this man come and teach. He states that the Koran and the Bible have the same things in them and that the Muslims just have the wrong interpretation of it. He says that the Koran contains 95% of the bible but, the bible says no lie is of the truth so that percentage is not enough for me.
Yes he is an interesting individual. He is on record as stating that he is just as Paul was a Jew to the Jew and a Greek to the greek so that he might win them for Christ.
So is he a muslim to them of the Nation.
Many muslims (NOI) come and hear him preach, as he states that they respect him and what he is doing.
On the exterior, the NOI imprint is still all over him. He doesn’t denounce the NOI, and that is the overall difference and reason that one should not receive him and his teachings, because the teachings and leader of the NOI (Farrakhan) denounce Christ as Lord…and as a mere man…which clearly contradicts the Bible…..which also contradicts the Quran (God has no son).
He is not to be entertained, or wished “Godspeed” as some (TBN, & others) apparently do.
Can somebody help me understand this. It is after 3:30 am in the morning and I just finished watching “Master Prophet E. Bernard Jordan(don’t ask why) and certain things bother me.
*Isn’t the Gifts of the Spirit for the Church? If so, why is Mr Jordan prophesying to everyone that ask or call in. I thought Russell Simmons worshipped another god. I though Rev Ike admitted he was a fake years ago(I may be wrong though). I personally heard “Rev” Run use swear words on stage back in 2001 and he was ‘Rev Run” then. I mean he used God’s name in vain and I was stunned as I got up and went over to his stage (it was City Stages). Why is Mr Jordan mixing the church with the world?
* Isnt Satan called the whisperer? I heard Mr Jordan say that God “whispers” in his ear (Didn’t satan do this with Eve) and he relays it to people. I may be reaching on this one.
* His broadcast looks the same as Ms Cleo. If I didn’t know better, I would think it was an infomercial for the psychics. I mean they ran the same thing over and over for 30 minutes.
*Why do so many have to go to Jordan to get through to God? I thought we had a better Covenant and we can go to God for ourselves.
*He used a scripture “God does nothing on this earth without revealing it to his prophets”. Where was Mr Jordan before Katrina? Why didn’t he warn us. I believe that guy who wrote ‘Chicken Soup for the Soul” called him the prophet for the world and that’s why he is in New York. Answer me this: WHere was Jordan before September 11, 2001? Why didn’t he warn us? He is the prophet for the world isn’t he?
*I couldn’t help but notice that all those that spoke well of him never seem to point anyone to Jesus, but Prohet Jordan. That bothers me if it doesn’t bother anyone else. I mean I hear the name “God” but you know how the hip hoppers and the world is trying to downplay His name in trying to making It generic. I even say Judge Hatchett whom I thought would know better and Reverend (I use that name lightly) Al Shapton telling about how he never missed a prophecy to him. Correct me if I am wrong, but someone tell me what the scripture say about a prophet who prohecies and it don’t come to pass. I happen to know of a few of his prophecies not coming to pass in this city from 1994.
* WHy is the majority of his prophecies about money? (from what I see on tv as I want to be fair about this) If not directly relating to money it is material things, ie, a house, car, or starting a business etc. Does he ever tell anyone about their sin? You know, like Nathan to David or Peter to Annanias and Sapphira. I am just asking.
Melvin, I know I must be beating this dead horse but it really bothers me. Now Kerney Thomas is on and I had to turn my TV. Enouff is enuff. I am going to bed.
(MN: Okay All. Calm down and don’t worry. You’re not crazy.
I want you to breathe in slowly then breathe out slowly. When you breathe in, think the word PIMP. When you breathe out, think the word GREEDY. Jordan is a pimp. He has probably always been a pimp. The people who follow him are greedy. After you’ve done this exercise for five minutes, stop and think “They deseve each other.” It’ll make you feel much better.
You’re probably just tired given that you are up at 3:30 in the morning. Rest and do the exercise and you’ll feel much better. Your heart will probably still be hurting from seeing all the fools following after the wolf, but that can’t be helped. It’s part of caring. )
If any man teach otherwise, and consent not to wholesome words, even the words of our Lord Jesus Christ, and to the doctrine which is according to godliness[4] He is proud, knowing nothing, but doting about questions and strifes of words, whereof cometh envy, strife, railings, evil surmisings,
[5] Perverse disputings of men of corrupt minds, and destitute of the truth, supposing that gain is godliness: from such withdraw thyself.
[6] But godliness with contentment is great gain.
[7] For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out.
[8] And having food and raiment let us be therewith content.
[9] But they that will be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and hurtful lusts, which drown men in destruction and perdition.
[10] For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.
[11] But thou, O man of God, flee these things; and follow after righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, meekness. (1 Tim 6:3-11)
3] Let no man deceive you by any means: for that day shall not come, except there come a falling away first, and that man of sin be revealed, the son of perdition;
[4] Who opposeth and exalteth himself above all that is called God, or that is worshipped; so that he as God sitteth in the temple of God, shewing himself that he is God.
[5] Remember ye not, that, when I was yet with you, I told you these things?
[6] And now ye know what withholdeth that he might be revealed in his time.
[7] For the mystery of iniquity doth already work: only he who now letteth will let, until he be taken out of the way.
[8] And then shall that Wicked be revealed, whom the Lord shall consume with the spirit of his mouth, and shall destroy with the brightness of his coming:
[9] Even him, whose coming is after the working of Satan with all power and signs and lying wonders,
[10] And with all deceivableness of unrighteousness in them that perish; because they received not the love of the truth, that they might be saved.
[11] And for this cause God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie:
[12] That they all might be damned who believed not the truth, but had pleasure in unrighteousness.
(2 Thes. 2:3-12)
Prophet Jordan also has a signet ring that people kiss when they greet him. He says the ring represents Jesus Christ. He never talks about sin, holiness, and righteousness. He has paintings of himself sitting on a throne like he is Jesus. Forgive me if I’m being judgmental but I wouldn’t give a dime to his ministry.
He’s the Pimp Pope………..the Pimpope.
Next he gets a Pimpopemobile, with leopard interior, dingleballs, and a hydraulic suspension that allows him to either raise the car high enough for the crowds to see him as he cruises, or lower himself to touch the sheeple.
Then an assortment of pointy hats………….made of tin-foil of course, to deflect the devil’s interference with his mind, as well as a satellite dish which could beam TBN 24/7 directly into his melon.
Then, finally, a portable throne from whence he might be carried about on the shoulders of the fleeced. The throngs of the duped could cover his path with “Seed Faith” offerings while an array of Rodney-Howard Browne style inebriants danced and made animal noises before the procession.
The procession could end at the electrified gates of his sumptuous McMansion, with it’s Olympic size baptismal pool (complete with Jacuzzi jets in case he needs that “stirring of the waters” effect), a driveway of gold (as Benny says, “I don’t need no gold streets in Heaven……….I need them HERE”), and his 400 wives and 600 concubines (”it’s right there in the Bible folks………I preach the WHOLE Gospel”).
Finally, after arrival at his “parsonage” (where the bones of Kenneth Hagin and a swatch of Oral Robert’s original tent are preserved under an altar behind the snack bar in the private bowling alley), he could then hold Popimpal audiences.
Instead of a Papal staff with which to beckon his followers forward, he could have a huge feather on a very long pole with which to tickle the ears of his supplicants (while allowing him to keep an appropriate distance, as befitting someone of his “anointing”, of course).
At long last…………after an arduous day of sheep shearing and ear tickling, it’s off to sleep in the Popimpal bedchamber ( an exact replica of the Bakker/Hahn suite, complete with coin-operated vibrating bed).
AHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yessssss………..
It’s good to be the Prophet.
TO GARYV: You are indeed made in the image and likeness of your Heavenly Father; just read Isaiah 44:9-20 what The Lord has to say about “Those who fashion a graven image….and all his companions….a deceived heart….” This account is hysterically funny! These graven images come from vain imaginations of a deceived heart and this is sad. POMPOUS MAN IS THE SAME TODAY! In this one of many examples in the Bible, God has a magnificent and humorous way of expressing Himself concerning man’s stupidity. If anyone has a problem with that, they should speak face to face with the Author! Thanks for sharing this facet of our Father God! Much love to you and yours, Beryle
I think E. Bernard Jordan teaching are thought provoking’. they have opened my mind to a new way of thinking. BUT! I must say he has gull to most of his request for money. I will continue to pray about my giving and listen to God. I am starting to become leary of some of those request.
When he finishes teaching make sure you read the text of his disscusion in context, look for who was being spoken too, what it was about, and who it applied too.
Revelation 13:16-18 says
And he causes all, the small and the great, and the rich and the poor, and the free man and the slaves, to be given a mark on their right hand or on their forehead, and he provides that no one will be able to buy or to sell, except the one who has the mark, either the name of the beast or the number of his name. Here is wisdom. Let him who has understanding calculate the number of the beast, for the number is that of a man; and his number is six hundred and sixty-six.
That same type of thinking is why people like Jordan florish; everyone may not agree with G. Craig, but he was right when he said this, rat poison is 97% good ingredients, but the 3% of strikline will kill you DEAD!
Read up top, and he CAUSES all, to take the mark, so he wont force you to take it, but cause you to take it. Just like these pimps cause you to give your money to their ministry.
Just thought I’d share this with ya.
Sadly, you don’t even need to quote from the bible to show these false “prophets” up. I am certain that these men and women actually believe that they are doing the right thing right now. Someday, they may see the error of their ways, but it may not be in time. Just be glad that you are not so easily deceived.