It’s great when articles for the site chase you down and practically write themselves. I usually sit at my computer and mind my own business. Some times I hear a knock at the door and when I open it, there stands an article jumping up and down, waving its arms in excitement, just waiting for me, practically telling me how to present it to you. I love it when that happens.

The latest example is a story about New Light Church, pastored by I. V. and Bridget Hilliard, the Pimps of the Houston Beltway. They are planning a conference ($200 for the conference, by the way) and a getaway, some time away from the hassles and pressures of day to day living. They’ll be gone from July 13th to the 18th, six days to sit at the feet of the Bishop, the presbutero, the elder, the head honcho.

So tell me – do you think he and Bridget are taking a group of sheeple to some quiet retreat where they will have time to slow down and decompress, time to develop the habit of being still, being alone and meditating on God’s Word? Or maybe he’s going to lead them to a week of focused training to develop their ability to accomplish deductive and inductive bible study, to learn to defend the faith, and to accomplish this in an environment free from the distractions of vanity and materialism. You’d think he’d do something like this given the responsibility he has assumed as pastor. You’d think he would do that. But of course, by now you know it’s not in the minds of the pulpit pimps to actually help the sheeple develop spiritually.

Or maybe, if only to maintain the appearance of spirituality, he’s going to take them to the Rockies, or the rainforests of Washington State to picnic and just walk around. Some of that country is so beautiful it practically forces you to recognize the hand of God in its creation. Maybe he’s going to do that. Right? Well, not quite.

Click here and see the getaway the Bishop has planned for his sheeple.

That’s right ladies and gentlemen!! The Bishop is leading his sheeple, and anyone else willing to arrange the trip through his travel agency, to Las Vegas Nevada. And please note - I did absolutely no photoshopping on the flyer cover. None. Click here to download a copy of the brochure to keep as your very own. It’s 9 mb, so make sure you either have a fairly fast connection or some time to wait for it.

Now, I tend to think of myself as something of a Libertarian when it comes to Christianity. You know, I try not to drift in to legalism or pointless prudery, but I have to admit I’m having a difficult time reconciling a church organization patronizing a place that has just about as bad a reputation as Corinth. I mean gosh – for a while the motto of Las Vegas was “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” To say the phrase “Las Vega” automatically brings to mind gambling, prostitution and drinking on a bacchanalian scale.

But Melvin, you say. Just because they’re in Las Vegas, it doesn’t mean they’re going to sin. Las Vegas is family friendly now.

Yeah. The kids can find fun things to do (that don’t involve Heather, Vixen, or Brown Sugar) while dad is busy gambling away the mortgage payments for the next five months.

Of course you could argue that none of the folks in the getaway are going to be gambling or participating in ungodly activities. And that’s probably true. But why would you want to go out of your way to patronize the companies, and the city that provide those things to the rest of the visitors? Do you really want to say it doesn’t matter if I stay at a motel that rents by the hour when there is a reputable one across the street?

Am I saying a Christian should never show his face in Las Vegas? Not at all. I’ve been there twice, both times as a part of my job. But even that brush with the city did more damage than I care to admit.

But don’t despair. The Bishop has made arrangements to make sure his sheeple are fed while they’re there. Here’s a snippet from the brochure.

During this getaway Bishop has planned a time to share Wisdom Insights with all his guests and if you were apart of the PEASI (Personal Executive Administrative Skills Institute) alumni class you get an extra session of impartation from the Bishop. The sessions with Bishop are planned in the morning so that you can relax and enjoy the city in the evening.

Did you catch that? In the morning (not too early, after a night on the town) the Bishop is going to share Wisdom Insghts with you. Probably things like “If you lay down with dogs you’ll get up with fleas.” Or maybe “Stay away from sin and debauchery and you can’t go wrong.” But whatever he’s teaching, if you’ve been conned by him before in PEASI, he’ll impart an extra dose of hog wash on the house (a little Las Vegas lingo there).

Of course the Bishop has a great deal of wisdom, worldly wisdom. If you’ll notice, all travel arrangements are being done through the New Light Travel Agency; obviously a part of the ministry that helps the saints on their sojourn through this life.

After all, no one said the trip can’t be made in opulent style and comfort. You know, the way the Apostles traveled when they went about preaching the Gospel. You do remember Paul’s four horse power, twin axle, hand rubbed mahogany chariot right? Seats four, accelerates from zero to 20 in about a minute and can hold it for at least fifteen minutes without killing the four horses. It had automatic windows (opened and closed by slaves). Top of the line for the day. It even had a GPS in the form of a slave holding a map and telling him which way to turn. The salesman even guaranteed him at least 80 percent of its value at trade in - as long as the horses and slaves were at least moderately healthy.

Let me repeat myself, again. These are not men and women of God. They are pimps and pimpettes, out to separate you from your money and apparently out to so desensitize you to anything related to the spiritual that leaving them for a body of real Christians isn’t even going to cross your mind.

These people play at church and religion while they slowly and surely destroy your soul. They take that which Christ has paid and attempt to make it cheaper than a prostitute’s makeup. (Hey, we are talking about Las Vegas here.) And like the prostitute, once you remove the makeup, it’s impossible for their shiny clothes or their well manicured hands to hide the profound ugliness within. You should run from them even as Wisdom (from Proverbs, not the Bishop) says you should run from the adulteress. Like the adulteress, they will ruin you – and get they’ll get rich while they do it.

Here’s a list of the prices and incidental costs, in case you missed them on the brochure. I called the travel agency yesterday. They said none of this includes airfare out to Vegas and back. And for you die hard sheeple out there - I also found out it’s not too late to sign up for the trip. Just don’t wear one of those stupid church tee shirts while you’re there.

Thanks again to JIL for a heads up.

Pulpit Pimps, The Hilliards | 67 Comments »

I don’t watch most of the reality shows. Let me rephrase that - I can’t stand any of the reality shows with the exception of Trauma: Life in the ER (you DO remember the episode in which a patient came in with a big honkin’ knife stuck in his head, right?). So between my total disdain for that genre of entertainment and the total hilarity of the contents of this take off on “Cheaters Caught on Tape” I was compelled to post this.

Of course you sheeple out there realize that this is just the kind of thing you will have to go through (only a lot more serious) if you decide to go with the truth of the Bible rather than the scams of your pimps and pimpettes. They don’t want you to leave and they will pull every emotional string they can to keep you there.

Thanks to Miguel Soto for publicizing this on his Facebook page.

Pulpit Pimps | 14 Comments »

If all goes well, I will find myself in New Jersey for three days this coming Summer. According to the folks at the Alliance of Confessing Evangelicals, Haledon New Jersey will host the New Jersey Pastors and Lay Leaders Conference 2009. The subject? The sovereignty of God. Of course, I’m not a pastor and…well, I’m not a lay leader either. But if none of you say anything, maybe they will take my money and let me sit there and listen, if I promise to keep my mouth shut.

Some of the speakers include James White, Robert Cameron and Eric Redmond. But more importantly, I’m counting on getting a good re-calibration when it comes to that most gracious doctrine of God’s Sovereignty. Click on the banner, or here, for more details.

I’ve shepherded several discussions over the last few months covering the topic of God’s sovereignty and Calvinish/Monergism vs Arminianism. A lot has been said, theorized and demonized. But for three days, I just want to bask in Monergism, its implications, and its applications.

I attended a conference last year in Philadelphia. And the great thing it wasn’t a case of me being loosed, having a life changing experience, or experiencing the life changing anointing of the greatly anointed speakers. Instead, I got rich solid teaching. I got better grounded in the implications of God’s grace and forgiveness as expressed in the Atonement.

None of the speakers told me to turn to my neighbor – for anything. No one told us we should clap our hands and stomp our feet if we love Jesus. Instead, the speakers looked at the call the Bible makes to us to live holy lives, dedicated to the truth of the Gospel and living in the power of God.

Dr. White is one of my favorite theologians. Now that I have an iPod (I’ve had one for the last year), I download “The Dividing Line” twice a week. And when he doesn’t produce the show, I have withdrawals.

I’m counting on being able to get a lot out of my time there this year.

Why is the conference being held? The participants, six local pastors, joined by two key note speakers (Dr. James White and Pastor Eric Redmond) are gathering together from June 22-24, 2009 to encourage the church at this most anxious time in our nation (let’s face it, Obama and his crew are making us anxious), that we can fully trust a sovereign God who has lovingly and providentially ordained human history for His glory and the good of His people.

I gotta start saving up my money now so I can get a good hotel room. I’ve already reserved a room, now I just have to set aside the cash to pay for it. And I have to snag a slot in the conference. TJ and company, maybe you want to consider coming out to the conference. You’ll be able to get a “full orbed” presentation of this most important doctrine.

Remember – no one will tell you to look at your neighbor, slap your neighbor, or tell your neighbor “I got mine and I’m stomping Satan’s head in the spirit!” Good teaching, good fellowship. You can’t beat it.

Pulpit Pimps | 28 Comments »

I used to wonder how the average Christian got to the point that he should wear a dunce cap. The answer came while I was sitting at my computer minding my own business, typing, as some would say, vicious attacks and the Mend of Gawd who regularly take advantage of the poor dumb sheeple. Suddenly my computer tells me “You’ve got mail!” When I check it, it’s an e-mail from a person I will call Charlie, though that is not even close to this person’s real name. Charlie was responding to one of the articles I posted on Joel “Willow Boy” Osteen several months ago. You know, the one where Willow Boy claims Mormons are Christians since they believe in Jesus too.

Here’s Charlie’s first comment:

I would love to converse with you on a regular basis. As a seminary instructor in Church History, I wish you and I could have an on-going e-mail conversation based on history and tradition rather than on conservative evangelical opinion. Mormonism is a variety of the Christian faith and an “American Original.” They self-identify as Christians and believe that Jesus Christ is the head of their Church. Go to their web-site where you will read the following:

At that point Charlie quoted the contents from the LDS (Latter Day Saints) site

Charlie then went on to say the following:

The early church (meaning 1-2nd century Church) was defined by varieties of Christianity. Some were Gnostic, some were Docetic, others were of the Essene variety. You should do your own intellectual work and take a church history course or read some good academic books on History of Christianity. Let me add, Oneness Pentecostals are not triune either. That doesn’t make them un-Christian. We have varieties of Christianity.

In other words, since there were differences in the early church, big variations now don’t make a particular organization “un-Christian.” In other other words, the Mormons are simply an American variation on some “standard” definition of Christianity.

As Charlie wrote, Charlie added the following about the Mormons:

Let me say, there is more that unites us than divides us. We cannot afford to demean other varieties of faiths and think that there are not consequences to our “self-righteousness.” Divisive fundamentalism is destroying the fabric of our faith and society. It usually demands a you’re wrong and I’m right approach. Jesus said, love one another as I have loved you…

I wrote Charlie back and said the following:

Given the content of your e-mail, I have to believe you are either a Mormon or a very poorly educated Christian.

***This line deleted because it gave information about the instructor***

Do you understand that the state that their god was once like us - flesh and blood - and that we can be like he is? And the name of their god is Adam?

Do you understand that according to Mormon doctrine, Jesus is the result of a physical relationship between Adam (their god) and Mary?

How can you fix your mouth to say that these folks are just a variety of Christianity? They reduce God the Father to nothing more than a man who has made it good. And Jesus is the son of this man.

It turns out I had missed a little something in him initial e-mail. I had missed the part where Charlie said he was a seminary instructor.

But Charlie responds with the following:

Bro. Jones, you need to study church history. I know what I am talking about and no respectable church historian would classify them in this day as anything but a branch of Christianity. Sorry to disappoint you. I hope you will open your mind to this idea. Christians come in all doctrinal walks of life. Take an American church history class at a divinity school or respectable seminary! Moreover, I do not receive my knowledge from you-tube or other internet sites, I actually read the literature and teach history and theology. Read respected historians such as Jan Shipps and Conkin. They have done their academic homework. Take care…

Some how, the fact that these two people pronounce Mormonism to be a part of Christianity, seems to make it so. So far, I’ve seen him turning to academics. But I have yet to see him look at the Bible itself and measure their doctrine against that.

We corresponded a little more. And the more we talked, the more depressed I got. Charlie responded with:

I never claimed that they were Nicean Christians! They are a variety of Christianity, not orthodox/Nicean. You’re getting stuck on doctrinal statements. We have been having these arguments since the Council at Nicea in the 300s. Read the arguments from the 4th century on the nature of Christ, both from the Arian perspective and from the Orthodox perspective. Read the Chalcedonian arguments about the nature of Christ…fully human? fully divine? or only human or only divine? These are historical/doctrinal arguments that go to the heart of the variety of Christianities that exist to this day. Yet, they all claim Christ as savior! “How” they claim it is the question from their perspective. I am not vested in how they understand God, anymore than I am concerned with the Oneness pentecostals or anybody else. I am a nicene Christian. Do not take this debate personally. It’s an academic debate that has long been settled and it does not side with your argument, unfortunately. I gave you a book to read…take a look at it and then let me know what you think of Conkin’s argument.

Apparently, the differences in doctrine are nothing more than, well, differences in doctrine. If I’m understanding him correctly, Charlie doesn’t see doctrine to be that important. And where have we heard that before? And apparently, anyone can take up the moniker of “Christian.” All they have to do is some place in their name or doctrine mention Jesus Christ, however they may define him.

But here’s the biggest non-surprise (or at least an “Oh!!! Now I understand!” item). This person is an instructor at the Ecumenical Theological Seminary in Detroit. Yeah. The Ecumenical Theological Seminary in Detroit MI.

Their site has a page giving a brief biography and a quote from some of the instructors. Here’s a sample:

They have become our role models, highlighted by Jesus Christ, who lived in humility and based His teaching on the needs of His people, modeled on the founders of the faith, including Abraham, Moses, and the prophets, to whom he refers repeatedly in His teachings. The inclusion in His ministry of women, the sick, the lame, the poor, the downtrodden, the outsiders is the inspiration of the new faith that became Christianity.

With people like this getting degrees and training other people, is it any wonder the toothy dufus out of Texas has no problem with the Mormons? Is it easier to understand why the preachers being trained are apparently incapable of telling the difference between a doctrinal error and a walk in the park?

Study for yourself. An awful lot of the church is becoming more and more tainted with teachers and preachers who deny the Gospel which is the power of God or they go with the WoF approach, which denies the Word of God – or at least twists it so badly as to make it worthless.

Study to show yourself approved, a workman who need not feel like a dunce, ever.

Christian Living, Pulpit Pimps | 121 Comments »