I have to give honor where honor is due.Paula White is a pimpette. She has broken up with her husband, she preaches greedy-grabby doctrine in order to separate people from their hard earned money and she associates with some of the worst of the scum of the Word of Faith community.

But to give her the props she is due (How’s that mrs. mav? Was that cool enough?), she is a conscientious pimpette who gives attention to details and leaves nothing to chance.I have a growing number of eyes out in the land of the internet and one of those sets of eyes sent me an e-mail to remind me that we are coming up on the Day of Atonement. And of course that means that it’s time for Paula to start working her Day of Atonement (DOA) scam.

I visited her site and as sure as hades is a mantrap, there it was: her big push for the Day of Atonement. But as I looked at it, I came to respect the woman for the truly professional pimpette she has become. She is right – she was just a messed up little girl from Mississippi. But now she’s a polished and practiced taker of money and dasher of dreams. Take a look at the DOA e-flyer. To see the whole thing in an easy to read format, click here.

Here’s a smaller version of the e-flyer for you to check as you go through the rest of the post.

If you look at the average pulpit pimp’s e-flyer, he always has certain things on it. The first thing is the pimp’s image some place on the flyer. But it can’t be just any picture. As you can see on the flyer (labeled #1) it must be a picture of the pimp looking quiet and anointed. I’m not sure how one looks anointed, but if I had to point to the look on someone, I’d say Paula has it. Holding a Bible close to her heart is one of those really nice touches. I mean, you can’t look any closer to God than she does in the picture.

The next thing you have to do in an e-flyer is offer a cheap religious trinket – you know, something that will serve as a reminder of your willingness to be scammed of at least $70.00. The gift has to be flashy and glittery enough to be appealing to folks who give more to appearance than to actual content. And as you can see, she has more than met this requirement with the offer of the bright and shiny (and ultimately tacky) Ark of the Covenant at number 2; something even Indiana Jones would be proud to display in his home or office.

You then have to offer some of your teaching materials as a part of the holy bargain.  She meets that criteria at number 3.   She is willing to part with a two CD set of her teaching on the once and for all character of the Day of Atonement – the day we are celebrating yet again.   And as a bonus, she offers you a three CD set of a guest huckster.  And since we’re talking about the DOA, it’s really great that we are going to hear from a rabbi to boot.

After offering all of this, the huckster/pimp then has to make as persuasive a sell as possible explaining to you why you should send her your money. Usually, they do this by ticking off a set of benefits to you. And usually the benefits are wrapped around greed and laziness. And sure enough, she makes that mark as well in item number 4. A quick look shows that she offers:
1. Increase – more stuff.
2. God’s power – it must be pretty good. Who doesn’t want God’s power?
3. Financial abundance – again, get lots of stuff
4. God’s presence – I have no idea what this is. Does it mean I glow like a firefly or what?

They then make a final appeal to your greed and to make you feel guilty if you disagree the subject and conclusions she comes to in the e-flyer. (Numbers 5 and 6)

Paula is a pimp. I suppose she can’t help herself. But it’s good to see she is trying to be the best pimpette she can be.

And by the way, take a look at who is going to be speaking at a cruise event with Paula?

Yep. It’s Tony Evans. How far the capable have fallen. The next thing you know he’s going to appear live on TBN.

Paula White | 76 Comments »

Folks, “Dead Milford” seems to be malfunctioning.  I have a call into my VOPWM but until he can see what’s up, I am forced to move things along.  Besides, we’ve pretty much discussed that posting into the ground.  I should have a posting on our favorite screwed up girl from Mississippi in by Sunday afternoon.  Pray that I can cast off this spirit of procrastination and git ‘er done.

Christian Living | 22 Comments »

I’m sure most of you recognize the item pictured above. It’s a casket. A casket is used to house a dead body during a funeral and for burial. Remember, it holds a dead body.Now let’s try a little thought experiment.You walk up to the casket, open it and say “Milford, get out of the casket.” Milford doesn’t move. Why? Because he’s dead.

You shout louder “Milford! Get out of the casket!!” Milford still doesn’t move. Why? Because Milford is dead.

Milford’s face is dirty. Does Milford know his face is dirty? No. Why? Because Milford is dead. If I tell Milford to clean his face, he doesn’t refuse to clean it, he simply isn’t aware of the fact that I’m telling him to clean it. And why is he not aware? Because Milford is dead.

Milford’s suit has been cut down the back to get it on his cold, dead body. Does Milford know that his suit has been cut down the back? No. Why? Because Milford is dead.

We discover that the building is on fire. Does Milford try to escape the burning building? No. Why? Because Milford is dead. If people shout at him, telling him that the building is on fire, will Milford respond? No. Why? Because Milford is dead. He isn’t aware of anything that goes on around him. He is dead to us. He won’t respond to anything we say or do. He’s dead.

No matter what happens in the room, no matter what is said in the room, no matter who comes into the room or leaves the room, Milford is not going to respond because he is dead.

Now it’s a well known fact that Milford was a devout follower of Benny (There’s Nine of Them) Hinn. In fact – looky here, looky here! Benny Hinn just walked into the room and says “Dear, dear saints. God has revealed to my spirit that I can raise one person from the dead in the next 24 hours. All that person has to do is ask to be raised from the dead.”

Will Milford ask to be raised from the dead? No! And why not? Because (I think you know what’s coming) Milford is dead. He’s not going to ask for anything. He’s not aware of anything that is going on in the room. He doesn’t have anything to do with the goings on in the room

Why, you might ask, did I go through such agonizing detail in talking about Milford the dead guy? I did it to illustrate a point, a doctrine you might say, recognizing that analogies only help illustrate a doctrine, not prove it.

The unsaved man is dead to God (Eph 2:1; Col 2:13). He doesn’t hear God. He doesn’t see God (John 12:37; Isa 6:10) He’s dead. He doesn’t want to have anything to do with God. (Romans 5:10) He’s dead. He can’t ask God to bring him to life. He’s dead. He can’t choose to escape the fire. He is dead to God. He can’t accept that his righteousness is as filthy rags. He’s dead to God. He can’t decide to get up in life. He’s dead.

One of the things the folks who respond to the various Monergistic articles do is sort of skip over the dead part. The Arminian says “Oh yeah. Each person (who is dead to God) can decide to accept Christ on their own.”

Yet all of you who say this, recognize that Milford (laying in that very tacky casket at the top of the posting) is not able to get out of the coffin on his own. Even if Benny Hinn were there, Milford would not be able to ask Benny to raise him from the dead. He’s dead. He doesn’t know that Benny is there. He’s dead.

Yet you then turn around and say “Oh yeah, the guy who is dead to God, who is completely unaware of the God of the Bible, who is blind with respect to the Gospel and whose heart has been hardened by God (remember Isa 6:10) IS able, and willing to ask God to raise him from the dead.

Here’s what the typical Monergist is saying:

1. The unsaved man is dead to God.
2. The unsaved man is not able to ask God for eternal life.
3. God moves on the unsaved man to bring him to life.
4. The unsaved man, having been brought to spiritual life, wants to take advantage of God’s grace and chooses to do so.
5. The unsaved man, having been brought to life, will decide in the direction of God. The fact that he was brought to life means he now WANTS to accept the grace offered by God.
6. God chooses the unsaved man and until he is chosen, the unsaved man remains dead in his sins unable and unwilling to obey God.
7. If God never chooses the unsaved man, he will remain dead in his sins.
8. There is no moral difference between the unsaved man (who is dead in his sins) that God chooses and the unsaved man (who is also dead in his sins) that God does not choose. There is no difference. They are both dead in their sins and which ever one God brings to life will accept the grace of God.
9.  Which ever one God does not bring to life will die in his sins.

And here is what the typical Arminian says (whether he realizes it or not):

1. The unsaved man is dead to God
2. The unsaved man, who is dead to God, is offered salvation (the means will vary [evangelism, preaching, a tract, God moving in his heart, etc.] but the offer is the thing).
3. The unsaved man, who is dead to God accepts the offer made by God and becomes alive.

What the Arminians don’t discuss is: By what means does the unsaved man, who is dead to God, become aware of the offer that God has made? This question is similar to the question about Benny Hinn. How can Milford become aware of the offer that Hinn makes? Doesn’t Hinn have to decide to raise Milford? Is any of what Hinn does dependent on Milford? Is there anything that Milford does to cause Hinn to raise him rather than someone down the hall or in the morgue somewhere else?

These are, in terms of salvation, the questions that Arminians tend to gloss over. Instead, they go to Scripture that appears to support their doctrine and interpret it in such a way that it contradicts the rest of Scripture.

Do they do it on purpose? I doubt it. Most folks have been raised in an Arminian philosophy all of their Christian lives. Even our lives as Americans has enforced a very Arminian view. I am the captain of my fate. My life is in my hands until I choose to give it to God. Most Arminians are like a fish in water. How many fish are actually aware of the water? It’s what they live in. And like a fish, when you take an Arminian out of that philosophy, that water, they get very, very uncomfortable.

You folks who choose to respond to this, please don’t quote scripture that you interpret as saying that a man chooses to accept or reject. We can go back and forth on that all week long. Instead, explain how the man who is DEAD IN CHRIST can decide to accept the grace God offers any more than Milford can accept the offer to be raised from the dead by Benny Hinn?

Pulpit Pimps | 126 Comments »

Think about it. T. Dexter is a friend of John K. Jenkins, he’s got a large congregation, a big honkin’ church building and he’s a bishop. Claude Alexander is a friend of John, he has a large congregation, a big honkin’ church building and he’s a bishop. Donnie Hilliard is a friend of John, he’s got a large congregation, a big honkin’ building and he’s a bishop. John is a member of the Full Gospel Baptist Convention, one of the Pentecostal/charismatic bishop mills. And did I mention Alfred Owens who is also a friend of John, has a big congregation, is married to a Screaming Meemie and is a bishop?

John has also convinced a bunch of little churches that they should have his “covering”. I think that means they are supposed to send him some money every month so they can share in and benefit from John’s anointing – which he has clearly shown by getting the big honkin’ building.

I was walking home from work the other day (along Northview Drive from the bus stop) and I started thinking – He has the building, he has the congregation that follows after him no matter what, he’s got the pastors/dupes who send him money, and he’s a part of the bishop mill. What’s left?

I had to conclude that it’s not going to be too long before John K. Jenkins, the pastor of First Baptist Church of Glenarden on the Kettering reaches the pimp nirvana of becoming a bishop.

It won’t matter who ordains him, just as long as he can have the title “Bishop”. But since we don’t know when this bishopping is going to take place, I figure we may as well have a little fun with it and I may as well…uh…build up my ministry (it all adds up to the ministry plane, the Cirrus, you people are supposed to buy me before I’m too old to fly it).

Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce the “John K. Jenkins - I’ll Be a Bishop By and By” Betting Pool. You can click here for a copy of the entry form.

The rules are simple. Pick the year, the month and the day of the month you think John K. Jenkins, the pastor of First Baptist Church of Glenarden on the Kettering, will finally make it to Big Dogdom and get to be called “Bishop”. Write each number in the blanks inside the bold-lined box.

Then pick a four digit number and write it in the last space. If you get the correct date, and your four digit number matches the number generated at random by Jody, the Church’s Chief Financial Officer (and my brother-in-law) then you will win the contents of the pool. If no one matches the last four digits in the randomly generated number, all proceeds will become the property of the Melvinite Temple. The results of the contest will be certified by the accounting firm Wee, Cheatem and Howe, LLC.

He has to be getting close. Like any good multi-level marketing scheme, once he gets a certain number of contributors down-line (the churches he provides “covering” for) he gets a promotion. But instead of Regional Director or Diamond Distributor, he’ll get to call himself “Bishop.” It’s nearly as impressive as the MLM titles and just as meaningless when it comes to real personal accomplishments in Christ.

Be sure to play the pool. It’s fun, it’s easy and it’s a good way to help out the Melvinite Temple of Wonderful Happenings.

Pulpit Pimps | 41 Comments »

Let’s see – our Lord and Savior said:

Blessed are you when men hate you, and ostracize you, and insult you, and scorn your name as evil, for the sake of the Son of Man. Luke 6:22

And then He said:

…just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many. Matt 20:28

And I believe He also said:

The disciple is not above his teacher, nor the slave above his master. It is enough that the disciple have become like his teacher and the slave like his master. If they have called the head of the house Beelzebul, how much more the members of his household. Matt 10:24, 25

I’ve told you this before. In fact, I have said it so many times my wife says she has heard me mumbling it in my sleep during the night. These pimps don’t care about you. They are only interested in their personal gain and glory.

I find it interesting that Paul, Peter, and the rest of the men who were appointed as Apostles in the New Testament didn’t use that moniker as a title. That is, Paul did not refer to himself, nor was he referred to as Apostle Paul. Neither were the men of the early church referred to as Bishop This or That. They were, however, often referred to as lion bait since, as the leaders of a local congregation, they were some of the first to be killed during a persecution.

What has a title, a pointy hat and a pimp stick have to do with being a servant of Christ and leading the people of God in holiness and obedience to Christ? Why are these guys so interested in titles? Why do people like Alexander, Fast Eddie Long, and a host of other feel the need to give themselves titles and to be fawned over by the people they rule over? And we won’t even talk about Fred Price, one of the new Apostles or Betty Peebles the Apostlette in Prince Georges County Maryland. (Folks, I can’t make this stuff up.)

It’s all about the Benjamins and what the Benjamins can get you. It’s about influence, power, and money. It’s about being on television, living large and, if I can swing it, having my own plane, even if it’s just a single engine piston model.

Look at the procession of women below – the “First Ladies” in attendance at Claude’s Alexander’s coronation, and tell me they are clothing themselves in humility.

Jesus said that he came to serve not be served. He came to give His life for many. Jesus said His followers should expect to be scorned, spoken of as evil and generally dismissed by the unsaved but they are to be prepared to serve those in the body of Christ. Here’s a question for you. Which one of the men pictured below (A or B) appears to be doing a better job of living out the Gospel and the instructions of our Lord.

Time’s up.

Example A is Claude. He’s got some fine clothes, a huge following, and if the pattern is similar, a large crib and a ride like you wouldn’t believe. And while he might drive himself, I’m betting one of his Armorbearers sits behind the wheel most of the time. If he looks familiar it’s because we’ve written about him before. He’s Claude Alexander, the new Bishop of University Park Baptist (yes, Baptist) Church in Charlotte North Carolina.  You can see the article here.The reason I did the original story was the fact that he had your boy Cashflow Dollar in to speak to the congregation. This fact is the first and best indicator that he doesn’t care about the sheeple.

And I might point out, while I’m at it, that Claude spoke at First Baptist Church of Glenarden on the Kettering before FBCG(otK) moved to the Kettering – and after it was known that Claude had Cashflow in to speak. That, of course, goes to demonstrate that John K. Jenkins doesn’t care about his flock of 7,000 sheeple either. But all of that is beside the point.

Example B is a pastor in China, you know, that communist country in the Far East that hates Christianity and only allows state sanctioned churches – churches that teach only state approved doctrine. Notice how he gets around. That’s right, a bicycle. Now maybe it’s a luxury bike with real air-filled tires and a bicycle seat and brakes.

But even with that, can you imagine the average pimp pastor using a bicycle to get around? For that matter, can you imagine your average pimp pastor being willing to meet in a home, with no intention of having the sheeple to fulfill his “vision” of a great big church building?Peter, writing under that inspiration of the Holy Spirit said:

You younger men, likewise, be subject to {your} elders; and all of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, for GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE. 1 Peter 5:5

Do any of you really believe that Claude is clothing himself in humility?

Don’t make the mistake these men (and increasingly women) make. The church in America has long forgotten that we are to be as our Teacher and that we can expect no better treatment than that accorded Jesus. He came to be a servant, not to lord it over others. The men and women calling themselves the leaders of the church are nothing more than self-serving pimps and pimpettes, out for themselves, more than willing to profit by teaching bad, self-serving doctrine, more than willing to scratch the ears of the ignorant and badly churched. 

They really don’t seem to understand that you become a pastor, a leader in the church because God calls you to it, not because you decided being a pastor is a pretty easy life. They apparently think that being a pastor is a way of having a lot of people fawn over you and a way of pretending you are a big time CEO (see the article on Fast Eddie and his bunch).

Watch out for these men and women. They will drag you and your family into a church hell and keep you in bondage for as long as you are willing to sit under preaching and teaching that has only a passing acquaintance with the truth.

Pulpit Pimps | 128 Comments »