Click on the thumbnail image to get a look at the new book, “Pulpit Pimping for Dummies” [Fifth edition] from P.I.M.P Temple Press.

Take your ministry to the next level. Walk in divine prosperity. Get the break through you keep promising the sheeple. Drive the best cars, llive in the biggest house, fly the best planes and patronize the best restaurants.

The Dummies guide tells you how to convince people to give you more money than they can afford to give you. But not only that, it teaches you how to make those people to think you are doing them a favor by taking the money. We give you the secrets for convincing people to pay you their tithes BEFORE they pay their rent or electric bill. Do you want to make people financially dependent on you? We’ll tell you how.

You want to be worshiped as if you are the Christ? The Dummies guide teaches you how to walk, talk, and threaten so that even the most stubborn (though stupid) sheeple will be willing to quote you rather than the Bible.

Are there people in your congregation who regularly disagree with you and base that disagreement on an accurate understanding of Scripture? The Dummies guide gives you foolproof instructions on how get them out of your congregation and how to make the sheeple believe they are being obedient to God when they turn their backs on the rebel.

Once you begin to read the book and practice the techniques it promotes, you should see an almost immediate increase in your income. Tip toeing around you should increase by at least twenty percent - from the first week of practicing what the book preaches.

How do you intimidate without appearing to be doing so? It’s in there.

How do you get the congregation to buy you a house bigger than the apartment buildings most of your congregants live in? It’s in there.

Maybe you want to be the top earner in your state? Just like the rest of the stuff you want to do - it’s in there.

“Pulpit Pimping for Dummies” provides you all the information, and all the guidance you need to apply the information to get to where you want to be, to get what you want out of life, to rake in as much money, cars and other stuff as you want.

There’s even a special Scumbag section that has tons of information on how the best of the scumbags get away with sexual harassment and abuse, spanking, raping, incest and just plain fooling around with some of the Gospel groupies. We tell you how to intimidate folks to keep silent, what Scriptures to use to keep the sheeple thinking they should feel bad about doubting whatever you tell them, and how to make sure you are repeating “touch not God’s anointed” often enough to be effective but not often enough to lessen the impact.

What are the five characteristics of a worship leader that will make sure your offering always grow? They’re in there.

How do you pick the right men as deacons or elders to make sure you can take the church in whatever direction you want? Yep. It’s in there.

Want to know how to talk your way around the clear teaching against co-pastors, female pastors and bishops, or female elders? You guessed it. It’s in there.

If you order “Pulpit Pimping for Dummies” today, you will be on your way to becoming the top dog in your community. And before too long, you’ll be reaching Big Dogdom in your county and state. With a consistent application of the material, you could even end up on TBN and other venues for increasing your fame and ability to rake in money.

Here are some unsolicited testimonies from folks who have followed the advice in my book:

“I was having trouble getting the congregation to just buy me a new suit. But once I started following the advice of “P-P for Dummies” they not only buy me suits now, they even buy me cars. I had to build a new garage to handle all the overflow.” - Bishop Gary Hawkins

“I thought Pastor Melvin was crazy the first time I read his book. But after growing the church from eight people who wanted to follow Christ to 5,600 people willing to follow me any where, and give me anything, I recommend the book. Sure Melvin’s crazy - crazy like a fox.” - Bishop Eddie Long

“I went from a traditional Baptist church with two hundred families housed in a dinky little building in the center of Glenarden Maryland, to more than 7,000 members housed in mega church structure costing more than $55 million dollars. And I convinced everyone to build it in the middle of nowhere. Thanks “P-P for Dummies!” John K. Jenkins

“It’s hard to believe that people can be manipulated so easily. The stuff Melvin shared in the book works on television and over the internet just as well as it does in a church building. I would never have been able to get that second jet, the Citation, without his advice.” Ken Copeland

“Melvin helped me to understand that it doesn’t matter what you preach, whether you deny the diety of Jesus or the effectiveness of His death on the cross. He showed me how to get a really great business jet, residences in several cities, including New York City, and a load of cash like you wouldn’t believe. If you want to be the best Pulpit Pimp you can be, buy Melvin’s book. It will pay for itself the first time you take up an offering using his advice.” Creflo Dollar

These are just some of the testimonies people have written in, proving that “Pulpit Pimping for Dummies” is a valuable tool for you to add to your preaching toolbox. With the added income practically guaranteed, you’ll be able to buy all those other book (commentaries, bible dictionaries and crap) so you can impress the one or two sheeple you occasionally allow into your house.

Order it now. Get your break through. Be the best pimp you can be with no more effort than it takes to go out to dinner.

Pulpit Pimps | 130 Comments »

It’s been kind of hectic around the Jones household. Though it’s been over six months, I still haven’t quite adjusted to working five days a week instead of three. Add to that, the fact that I’ve gotten involved with a church that insists we actually develop as Christians, the fact that I re-initiated daily devotion with my wife (and yes, she did come into it kicking and screaming), and the fact that I’m a television addict and a lazy pig, and getting stuff done becomes something of an challenge. However, I’m buckling down and writing this article about R. A. Vernon and his little princess.

You’ve likely heard of R. A. Vernon. He’s a Mand of Gawd out of Cleveland. And the good pastor has a daughter who apparently turned sixteen in the last year. Being the good father he is, the good pastor agreed to give his daughter a Sweet Sixteen birthday party. And being what appears to be the typical pimp pastor, her sweet sixteen party was something to watch.

Here is a video of the preparation for and execution of the party. When you finish, come back here and let’s talk. Click on that hyper link that says “This video only available on MTV.com” and you will be taken to the video of interest. Then you have to come back here. To be fair, I’m not sure how much of the dialog was for the filming and how much was a view into their hearts.

Did you notice the interior of the house that Chanae lives in? Here’s an outside shot.

I suspect that if I was careful enough, I could land a small plane on the property. And I’m not that good at short field landings.

Are we starting to recognize the pattern? The Passah has a house the size of Buckingham Palace. And the daughter, bless her spoiled little heart, gets everything she wants.

If you noticed, she flew to the Museum of Rock and Roll in “my dad’s plane.”

I’m not going to run down a list of observations about the daughter. She is what she is. In all probability (just in all probability) the child is not saved. While she shouldn’t necessarily want to play “Jesus Keep Me Near the Cross” at her birthday party, should she really have to be told not to play any “get down” music and not to have any wild dancing? Should she be thinking in terms of “show them that a religious person can have a good time”? Why should you have to show the unsaved anything except your character, your compassion, and your…well…your character?

I believe the total for the party was $25,000 – that’s twenty five thousand dollars, just so you can see it in words. The car I bought (on credit and I’m still paying for) cost $21,000. And it was a Saturn SUV. A Saturn SUV!

Of course my thing on this site is to warn you about the pimps, their lavish lifestyles – at your expense - and the generally bad doctrine most of them spew to convince you to support their lifestyles. But in this case, I’m only looking at the lifestyle and giving you an opportunity to see one of the lemmings who posted her own video to demonstrate that she is more than willing to help the man continue to indulge himself, his poor daughter, and the rest of his family.

The following clip allows you to hear what a mind numbed robot (MNR) sounds like. If I could get a couple of hundred of these MNRs to subscribe to my site, I would have my SR22 in no time. I could probably even convince them to pay for the maintenance and insurance.

Give a listen.

Notice that the member went through every one of the MNR defenses you have read on this site. And if you notice, she said them without hesitation. R. A. has done an excellent job of training her.

Accoring to her, hat he did was okay because:

1. He does a lot of good things
2. At least he didn’t buy her a $50,000 car that she can’t use until next year
3. He makes money on his own
4. God has blessed him and he is just blessing his family
5. Don’t be hating
6. You should not touch God’s anointed

Then she condemns us because according to her, people just don’t read their Bibles any more.

You gotta wonder how a woman who worked and thought her way to a Masters degree would decide to switch her brain off when it comes to Christianity and the issues of life and death. But these are the people who keep the pimps and wolves in business. These are the people who make the R. A. Vernons, the John Jenkins, and the T. Dexters possible.

Pulpit Pimps | 158 Comments »

Just thought I’d mention that I will be doing the Bible Study tonight at Stand Up Ministries. The study starts at 8 pm. I should have notes here shortly. Standup will also send them out to folks on their mailing list.

Make sure you have downloaded PalTalk and are all set up. This is your chance to tell me in person that I’m going to hell for touching God’s anointed Mend of Gawd.

If you don’t already have Paltalk, click on the Download button on the right side of the web page and follow the instructions. You must be able to play sound to hear the presentation.

10:25 am Local
The Outline/Notes for this PM.

The Pimps and Our Responsibility

1. The Overview
a. What’s out there
b. What the pimps do to the people
c. The responsibility of the pastors/elders
d. The responsibility of the believers

2. What’s out there
a. The truth (accurate and balanced presentation of the Gospel)
b. Straight up false teaching (cults, false religions, etc)
c. Truth with big dose of error (prosperity preaching, social gospel, wealthy apostles, bless to be blessed, ten-fold increase, faith as a substance, etc)
d. False teaching with the intent to fleece the sheeple

3. What the pimps do to the sheeple – Why not let God take care of it?
a. Shipwreck faith
b. Deceive the sheeple
c. Take advantage of people
d. Keep the sheeple poor –spiritually and financially

4. The responsibility of the pastors/elders
a. To encourage
b. To protect
c. To teach the truth
d. To discipline

5. The responsibility of the believer/layman
a. To study
b. To hide the Word in our hearts
c. To put the Word first – always
d. To be on the watch and to be alert

6. The Results of meeting our responsibilities
a. Maturing Christians
b. An effective witness to the community
c. The ability to share the Gospel
d. The ability to help those around us
e. The ability to stand up under persecution

Pulpit Pimps | 50 Comments »

Oprah is giving a ten part class via the internet. If you want to (and you log on early enough), you can get the live stream every Monday at 9:00 pm for the next eight weeks. I sat through a podcast of the first one. I’ve downloaded the second one and am working up the energy to watch it.

At first, as I was listening to it, I thought of what I was going to say in a posting as I railed against her. But as I watched it, as I listened to Oprah’s excitement over the nonsense words coming out of Eckhart Tolle’s (toe-lee) mouth, I finally had to recognize and state unambiguously that Oprah is unsaved. And as a result of being unsaved, she is totally blind to the truth of the Gospel and blind to the absolute poverty of New Age intellectual and spiritual crap being presented by Eckhart.

Oprah asked him about the motivation for writing the book. Here is the answer he gave. Note that Oprah is more than willing to follow along.

ECKHART: And I, intellectually I couldn’t have answered, why am I writing another book? And it happened.

OPRAH WINFREY: And it happened. Were you asking life, universal energy? I don’t know. What do you call that? As a word do you – I call it “God.” What do you, what word do you use for that?

ECKHART TOLLE: Consciousness…

OPRAH WINFREY: Were you asking consciousness, were you saying, what do you want from me?

Oprah calls some mysterious consciousness “God.”

Then they start talking about the spiritual nature of flowers.

ECKHART TOLLE: Yes, like messengers. A flower is very much more fragile than a plant. It is more fleeting; ethereal, I think is the word; more ethereal. So it has less density to it than most other things. And because of the lack of density, it’s almost as if spirit could flow through it more freely.

So when you contemplate a flower without too much interference of the thinking mind; to actually truly look. This is what Jesus said, by the way. I mean in churches you’ll hear; will hear Jesus saying, “Look at the lilies of the field.”

OPRAH WINFREY (HOST): Yes.

ECKHART TOLLE And so when he said that, he wasn’t just saying, “Look at the lilies of the field.” He said, “look.”

OPRAH WINFREY: Aren’t they pretty? Yes.

ECKHART TOLLE: He said, look, you really have to look because there is something that they embody something that you also have. But because of all your anxiety about tomorrow and you’re thinking, I’m translating very freely now, what Jesus said.

OPRAH WINFREY: Yes.

ECKHART TOLLE: Why are you – these flowers are not anxious, they have no – they are not concerned about tomorrow and see how beautiful they are. How god clothes them in such beauty. And you can live like that also. So he used this natural realm and flowers to get people in touch with the dimension of depth within men.

Did you catch that? Flowers aren’t plants. They are more ethereal, less dense. And Oprah just ate it up.

Kelly called in from Illinois. Here’s a segment of the discussion:

KELLY (ILLINOIS): I had a Catholic upbringing, I married a Catholic, and we’re raising our children this way. In reading books such as Tolle’s, I’ve really, it’s really opened my eyes up to a new way of thinking; a new form of spirituality that doesn’t always align with the teachings of Christianity. So my question is to you, Oprah, how have you reconciled these spiritual teachings with your Christian beliefs?

OPRAH WINFREY: Oh, the question’s to me. I was resting knowing it was going to about – I’ve reconciled it because I was able to open my mind about the absolute indescribable hugeness of that which we call “God.” I took God out of the box because I grew up in the Baptist church and there were, you know, rules and, you know, belief systems indoctrinated.

And I happened to be sitting in church in my late 20’s and I was going to this church where you had to get there at 8:00 in the morning or you couldn’t get a seat. And a very charismatic minister, and everybody was just, you know, into the sermon. And this great minister was preaching about how great God was and how omniscient and omnipresent, and God is everything.

And then he said, and the lord thy god is a jealous god. And I was, you know, caught up in the rapture of that moment until he said “jealous.” And something struck me. And I was like, I think about 27 or 28. I was thinking God is all, God is omnipresent, God is – and God’s also jealous? God is jealous of me?

And something about that didn’t feel right in my spirit because I believe that God is love and that god is in all things. And so that’s when the search for something more than doctrine started to stir within me. And I love this quote that Eckhart has, this is one of my favorite quotes in chapter one where he says, “Man made god in his own image, the eternal, the infinite, and unnamable was reduced to a mental idol that you had to believe in and worship as my god or our god.”

She has rejected the God of the Bible because she thinks He is jealous of her. And she has substituted a harmless and impotent consciousness. Talk about being completely blind.

While I was watching the pod cast, I was wondering how an intelligent and wildly successful business woman can be so foolish as to accept the blatant drivel produced by this man.

Then I had to remind myself that Oprah can do no less than exactly what she is doing. She is unsaved. She is, according to the Bible, an enemy of God. She has been blinded by the god of this world. The Gospel is foolishness. She can’t obey the law of God and doesn’t want to obey it. She…well, you get the idea.

Watching her was actually heart breaking. It was like watching a naïve child being lied to and being too innocent to understand that the man is lying to her so he could molest her. Tolle would say such things as:

And for each a place within yourself that is unconditioned, that is what I sometimes call the formless consciousness, spirit expressed beautifully in the Old Testament in the little saying, be still and know that I am god. (Psalm 46:10) That is, and that’s in the Old Testament. It contains the entire wisdom of religion in those few words. Be still, meaning go to that place where the mind is no longer operating. You are just conscious without thinking. And that is the level where the eternal resides. So the eternal, the formless, the spirit is the essence of every human being.

So why didn’t he pick John 14:6, in which Jesus says “I am the way and the truth and the life, and no one comes to the Father (not a consciousness) but through me”? That pretty well sums up Christianity.

In all seriousness, I suggest we pray for this woman. More than that, I would like to get a “Day of Prayer and Fasting for Oprah” going. She really can’t help herself. And at the rate she’s going, when she dies, she will spend an eternity in hell. That is, after a million years have gone by, she will still be in torment.

I suggest we make May 1, May Day, “Pray for Oprah Day.” It could only benefit her. And hey, she just might turn that huge financial and executive power into a force of Godliness. I’ll be a guest on “The Pastor’s Corner” this out of Sacramento this Friday night. The feedback I got from them so far was very positive. We will likely talk it up and see what develops around the web and around the Christian community.

As you know, I normally don’t even try to suggest that this or that person be prayed for. Most of the people who appear on this site, in these posts, are active and aggressive leeches, sucking the life from foolish and ignorant Christians. Most of them know what they are doing is wrong. Oprah, on the other hand, really doesn’t have a clue. She is indeed like a kid, eager to believe a lie. Wouldn’t it be an amazing sight if the Big O came on her show and announced that she had been wrong all these years? Hey, it happened to King Nebuchadnezzar. Why not Queen Oprah?

And if you’re feeling especially generous, you might even toss up a prayer or two for Eckhart.

Christian Living | 108 Comments »

I’ve seen men faint during the wedding ceremony. I’ve seen a couple of men cry. I’ve even seen men stop the whole thing and walk/run away. But I have to say I have not seen a guy get so…uh…so…carried away during the ceremony. You think maybe he began to understand and marvel at the true gift that God gives us in our wives?

You gotta wonder what the first night was like though.

A tip of the hat for the reminder from Jahnea, by the way.

Christian Living | 155 Comments »