Reformed bookstores offer the “classics.” You know, books written by old guys 70, 100 or even three hundred years ago. They seem to think that books like “Bondage of the Will” by Martin Luther, or “Charity and Its Fruits” by Jonathan Edwards are as relevant now as they were when they first came out.

Most of the stuff being sold through your average “Christian” bookstores these days really isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on. Joel Osteen has “Your Best Life Now”, “Becoming a Better You”, the Hope Bible and a bunch of other wussy books that make people feel good but don’t really make YOUR life any better right now. There are books on purpose driven lives, positive thinking, and God kind of faith. But none of that does you any good right now.

Anathema Press has decided to fling open the publishing safe, dust off the printing plates, and republish that pastoring classic “Flock Fleecing for Fun and Profit.” This inspirational books tells you everything you need to know in order to be the best you can be (when it comes to taking money from the sheeple).

Is your old Honda running on its last leg? You can sit behind the wheel of a brand new Lexus in less than three months!

Are you embarrassed to wear the same three suits week in and week out? We teach you how to get the flock to pay for as many suits as you want! Or for you ladies, you could be looking at a new outfit every week!

And imagine owning a house with a walk-in closet big enough to hold all those outfits.

Are you feeling tired because you had to cut the grass on Saturday and preach on Sunday? We give you the twelve step approach to starting up an armor bearers ministry, guaranteeing you drivers, gardeners, and other workers free of charge!

Here’s what others have said about this classic:

“A friend gave me this book almost twenty years ago. When I read it, I realized I was aiming too low. Once I started following the instructions in the book, my “anointing” took off. Now I have a huge church, turn out lots of pointless books, and make border line sleazy movies that Christians pay to see just because my name is associated with them.”
T. Dexter Jakes

“A lot of people think I got my start with Kenneth Copeland. But they’re wrong. I read “Fleecing” more than twenty-five years ago and I never looked back. Now I own a mansion that can be seen from space, a couple of business jets, and have congregations in New York and Atlanta. If you want to come into your blessing, you need to buy this book, read this book, and do what the book tells you to do.”
Creflo Dollar

“I wouldn’t have thought I could have ever bought a basketball arena to do church. But after reading Melvin’s book, I knew that getting there wasn’t about being effective or true to Scripture. “Fleecing” helped me to see that your greed, good hair and smile can take you as far as you want to go. And his special section on fleecing the unchurched really made sense. I never did like having to preach anything from the Bible, like hell, sin, and holiness.”
Joel Osteen

“My mom had a dog-eared copy of “Fleecing.” When I first saw it I was actually offended because it didn’t have any women on the cover. But thank goodness I got over that. By taking in what Melvin says in the book, I was able to go from a prophet wannabe to a co-pastor and a speaker people just want to shower with money. I haven’t done my own nails in at least the last eight years. And I don’t have any idea how much my beautician charges each week.”
Medina Pullings

You want to wear nice clothes, to fly in private jets, and be waited on hand and foot? Order this classic now.

Send a certified check or money order for $20.00 to:

Praise Immanuel Mighty Prince (PIMP) Ministries
Fleecing the Flocks
12458 Anathema Lane
Bowie, MD 20716

Pulpit Pimps | 12 Comments »

Is it God’s sovereignty that has the two latest comments coming in on the very topic I’m addressing tonight? The following is more a summary of what was covered than a formal presentation.

I just finished the first night of the session I told you about several weeks ago – “The Sovereignty of God.” Yes, I’m sitting here in Totowa (I have no idea how to pronounce it) New Jersey in a hotel next to some river. But that’s beside the point.

The speaker for the evening was Dr. James White, from Phoenix Arizona. He is the director of Alpha and Omega ministries. I believe I have mentioned him before.

I have to admit that so far the two hundred and twenty mile trek up here has been more than worth the effort. And if the next couple of days (Eric Redman will be speaking tomorrow on the sovereignty of God and the call of the pastor) are like this evening, the money I spent on the hotel room will be well spent. We will also be hearing from Robert Cameron addressing the sovereignty of God and ethics and James Domm preaching on God’s sovereignty and man’s responsibility.

Dr. White came in with guns blazing this evening. It was outstanding. He didn’t tell us that his message was going to change our lives. He didn’t tell us to turn to our neighbors for anything, and he didn’t tell us to clap to show how much we loved Jesus. Instead, he reminded us of the importance of the concept of God’s sovereignty in ALL things, if we are to understand what we are called to.

First, he pointed out that the concept of God’s sovereignty is all throughout Scripture and in order to deal honestly with the text we must recognize His sovereignty, even over the will of men. For the presentation he looked at Isaiah 40:12-24; 41:21-24; Psalm 33:1-22 and Ephesians 1:1-9. He unrealistically thought he would be able to cover Romans 8 and 9 as well as John 6. But the unbending clock disabused him of that idea.

Isaiah 40 points out that God is God and, well, we aren’t. It also points out that He is our creator. Unlike that which some would suggest, He is not our buddy, our girlfriend, or our boyfriend. He is holy or totally unique. He is not us. Isaiah 6 shows what happens when we begin to realize who and what God is. When that happens, we suddenly realize what we aren’t and we see our selves as men with unclean lips. Seeing who God is move us to holiness, to a desire for obedience.

Isaiah 41:21-24 demonstrates the unique attributes of god. It points out that He has exhaustive, absolute knowledge of creation. He points out that the idols men worship (including the Arminian idea of God) don’t know the future. But not only do they not know the future, they don’t know the reasons for the events of the past. Why did the dam break? Why did the tsunami destroy hundreds of thousands of lives? Why did the last arrow an archer fired into the air end up between the joints of Ahab’s armor and killing him? These things are for the purpose of His ordained will and purpose.

Psalm 33:1-22 is full of the idea of God’s sovereignty. Verse 6 talks about the heavens being mad by His word. It goes on to say that the Lord nullifies the counsel of nations. Hmm. They want to do something but He counters it. What happened to their will? It says he frustrates their plans. Again – no free will? But interestingly, the psalm goes on to say that God’s counsel stands forever and His plans are forever as well. They don’t change based on what someone may or may not decide.

Dr. White went on to point out that the best way to generate rebellion is by preaching these truths. Man is willing to let God be sovereign until it comes to man. Then God depends on man and his will. In other words, while man may grant the necessity of grace for salvation, most men, rebellious as they are, refuse to admit the sufficiency of grace in our salvation. At some point, man will contribute to the salvation process.

Ephesians points out that God chose us in Him before the foundation of the world. And it says we were chosen to the praise of His glory. But interestingly enough, if I played a part in the salvation, if my salvation depended on me making a decision in favor of God while I was dead in my sins, they my salvation is to the praise of my spirituality…or perceptiveness…or sensitivity…or some other good thing within me and NOT to the praise of His glory.

Dr. White pointed out an interesting question to present to an Arminian: Why pray for the lost?

According to the synergistic (Arminian) view, God is doing the best He can. He’s appealing to every one as hard as He can. He’s trying His very best. But some people refuse to respond. Given this, the difficulty seems to be in the people. So the Arminian shouldn’t pray to God. He should focus on the people he wants saved. He should do whatever he can to convince them they should accept Jesus Christ as their savior. He should pressure them, not depend on God.

Wait a minute! Isn’t that exactly what happens at altar calls and evangelistic crusades? Isn’t that one of the things the preachers do when they decide to “get people in and then help them grow”?

The conference starts at nine o’clock tomorrow morning. I may try to post a little something during lunch. I forgot to find out if the church building has wi-fi.

Christian Living | 51 Comments »

When this site points out the excesses of the pimps, one of the first responses I get, one of the Knee Jerk Reactions (KJRs) is usually “But Melvin, it takes money to run a ministry! How can the Mand of Gawd do the work of God if he doesn’t spend a lot of money? And how can he get the money to spend unless he constantly asks us for it?” A long time ago (about 1982), when I was taking a seminar by Bill Gothard (yes, yes. I know) I ran across a fellow by the name of George Muller who rescued tens of thousands of children from the streets of Bristol, England. This, of course, required money. It required buildings. It required food and other supplies.

Take a look at the following series to find out more about Mr. Muller and how he “raised” money for his work. Then see if you can imagine any of the pimps and other religious shills on television raising money using his methods.

It’s about an hour long. But it’s worth your time, even if you spread it out over a several days. The message is simple.

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Part Four

Part Five

Part Six

Mr. Muller never went to the people and said: “If you don’t give, we are going to have to shut our doors and end this anointed ministry!” He trusted God to supply his needs in response to his prayers, not in response to his ability to appeal to people’s greed, pride, or fear. Wouldn’t it be great if the pimps did the same thing? Of course, if they did that, they wouldn’t be pimps, would they?

Thanks to George R for telling me about the Docudrama.

Christian Living, Pulpit Pimps | 27 Comments »

Folks, the following is the result of the many thousands of dollars John K. Jenkins, the pastor of First Baptist Church of Glenarden on the Kettering spent to force me to stop using my domain name www.fbcglenarden.com

It’s a long decision though it does have some interesting parts in it. One of them is the fact the World Intellectual Property Organization (WIPO) found it troubling that First Baptist Church of Glenarden took FOUR YEARS to protest my use of the domain name. Another is this statement by WIPO:

The site’s content is plainly not obscene. This Panel is incapable of determining whether its content is defamatory, though on its face it appears not to be. Many elements necessary to establish the intentional tort of defamation are far beyond the scope of this proceeding: factual bases for statements made, whether Complainant’s pastor is a public figure who would thus be required to prove actual malice, the extent to which Respondent’s commentary is opinion, among many others.

It also seems kind of interesting that rather than doing the right thing and counseling my wife, John K. Jenkins, the pastor of First Baptist Church of Glenarden on the Kettering, first insisted I apologize to HIM for publicly stating the reasons I was leaving, reasons he agreed were accurate. Then, after nearly four and a half years of supposedly ignoring me, he spends several thousands of dollars to, in effect, force me to surrender a domain name. My brother is a lawyer who has had dealings with the law firm John K. Jenkins, the pastor of…well, you know the rest, used to file the case. I’m sure it cost him more to file the case than he would have lost by telling my wife to leave. And that’s even if she had left.

It seems he is interested in spending time and money worrying about me but he doesn’t have the time, and isn’t willing to do without the income from a woman he knows he should counsel to leave. Interestingly enough, she doesn’t give anything to the church now anyway.

But that’s okay. Even if he had decided to do the right thing, and I had hit upon the idea of the website, I would likely still have included him. As I have often said before, my disagreement with John K. Jenkins, the pastor of First Baptist Church of Glenarden on the Kettering, is not personal. I’m just more familiar with his pimping ways and bad doctrine because I been able to see them up close and experience them first hand. Besides, his actions so clearly exhibited the characteristics of the men we often refer to as “pimps”.

Thanks to Honor Roll for spotting this and bringing it to my attention.

The decision of WIPO follows:

1. The Parties

Complainant is The First Baptist Church of Glenarden, Maryland, United States of America (“United States” or “U.S.”), represented by the law firm Holland & Knight, LLP, United States.

Respondent is Melvin Jones, Wynnewood, Pennsylvania or Bowie, Maryland, United States.

2. The Domain Name and Registrar

The disputed domain name is registered with GoDaddy.com, Inc.

3. Procedural History

The Complaint was filed with the WIPO Arbitration and Mediation Center (the “Center”) on January 9, 2009. On January 12, 2009, the Center transmitted by email to GoDaddy.com, Inc. a request for registrar verification in connection with the disputed domain name. On January 13, 2009, GoDaddy.com, Inc. transmitted by email to the Center its verification response confirming that Respondent is listed as the registrant and providing the contact details. The Center verified that the Complaint satisfied the formal requirements of the Uniform Domain Name Dispute Resolution Policy (the “Policy” or “UDRP”), the Rules for Uniform Domain Name Dispute Resolution Policy (the “Rules”), and the WIPO Supplemental Rules for Uniform Domain Name Dispute Resolution Policy (the “Supplemental Rules”).

In accordance with the Rules, paragraphs 2(a) and 4(a), the Center formally notified Respondent of the Complaint, and the proceedings commenced on January 20, 2009. In accordance with the Rules, paragraph 5(a), the due date for Response was

February 9, 2009. Respondent did not submit any response. Accordingly, the Center notified Respondent’s default on February 10, 2009.

The Center appointed Richard G. Lyon as the sole panelist in this matter on

February 20, 2009. The Panel finds that it was properly constituted. The Panel has submitted his Statement of Acceptance and Declaration of Impartiality and Independence, as required by the Center to ensure compliance with the Rules, paragraph 7.

4. Factual Background

Complainant is a Baptist congregation that has operated in Maryland since 1917. Today Complainant occupies two campuses and has over 10,000 active members. In addition to Sunday worship services (some of which are broadcast by cable television, by radio, and on the Internet) Complainant provides to its members and its community other religious, educational, and pastoral services, and operates various outreach and missionary programs. Complainant’s principal website is . Complainant does not allege ownership of any registered trademarks, but claims common law rights in “First Baptist Church of Glenarden” and “FBC Glenarden” by virtue of its extensive and continuous use of these names to provide its services to its parishioners and to the public.

Respondent is a former member of Complainant’s congregation, leaving Complainant’s church after various disputes with the pastor. Respondent registered the disputed domain name in January 2005, about the time he departed the flock. An Internet user who enters the disputed domain name into a browser is automatically redirected to Respondent’s site at “www.pulpit-pimps.org”. At this site Respondent includes articles and comments critical of organized religion in general and various Christian dominations in particular, and concerning religion and politics in American society. This website contains archived articles and a number of links to other noncommercial and religious-related topics. One link is to a page on which Respondent’s subject is Complainant’s pastor. Many of the pages on this website include a forum for members of the public to post comments, an opportunity apparently seized frequently. Respondent’s website has no commercial content or commercial links.

5. Parties’ Contentions

A. Complainant

Complainant contends as follows:

Complainant has common law rights in “First Baptist Church of Glenarden” and “FBC Glenarden” by virtue of continuous and extensive use of these terms for the services it provides. Common law rights are sufficient to invoke the Policy. The disputed domain name is identical to the latter of these marks and confusingly similar to the former, as FBC is a frequent and well-recognized abbreviation for “First Baptist Church.”

Complainant has not authorized Respondent to use its name or mark. Respondent has never been known, individually or as a business, by “FBC Glenarden” or “First Baptist Church Glenarden.” Respondent has used the disputed domain name to divert Internet users seeking Complainant to Respondent’s website that is not legitimate or bona fide under the Policy. Nor is it legitimate noncommercial or fair use of Complainant’s mark, as its sole purpose is “resentment against and desire to exact vengeance upon Complainant’s pastor in connection with [Respondent’s personal grievances],” which is not legitimate under the Policy. Furthermore, “Respondent, despite his religious hubris, has no right to register and use confusingly similar domain names as a tactic.”

Respondent registered and is using the disputed domain name in bad faith, for the same reasons as Respondent lacks rights or a legitimate interest in the disputed domain name. “Respondent’s motive is of “crucial importance” to determining whether the domain name has been registered and used in bad faith, “ and “ it is well settled that the domain name registration and use motivated by Respondent’s resentment, desire for vengeance or “indignation” is bad faith registration and use.”
B. Respondent

Respondent did not reply to Complainant’s contentions.

6. Discussion and Findings

A. Jurisdiction

In any default case the Panel must review the record to “ensure that each Party is given a fair opportunity to present its case”. Here the Center’s records reflect that it properly discharged the requirements of Rules paragraph 2(a), so there is no question as to the Panel’s jurisdiction.

B. Effect of Respondent’s Default

Unlike civil litigation in the United States, failure to respond in a Policy proceeding does not constitute an admission of any pleaded matter or result in the Policy equivalent of a default judgment. WIPO Overview of WIPO Panel Views on Selected UDRP Questions (“WIPO Overview”), paragraph 4.6; Stanworth Development Limited v. E Net Marketing Ltd., WIPO Case No. D2007-1228. The Panel will proceed to evaluate Complainant’s evidence, and his own examination of Respondent’s website, against the requirements of paragraph 4(a) of the Policy.

C. Identical or Confusingly Similar

Complainant has satisfied the requirements of paragraph 4(a)(i) of the Policy. Common law rights will suffice to invoke the Policy, and Complainant has provided ample evidence of use of both “First Baptist Church of Glenarden” and “FBC Glenarden” as identifiers of its services. Furthermore, Respondent as a former congregant of Complainant was well aware of Complainant and its marks when he registered the disputed domain name. The Panel agrees with Complainant that “FBC” is a common abbreviation for “First Baptist Church” in the United States, so for purposes of the Policy the disputed domain name is identical to a mark in which Complainant has rights.

D. Rights or Legitimate Interests

Respondent’s website, to which the disputed domain name resolves, is a criticism site that raises issues of free speech under the United States Constitution. Particularly is that so in light of the political, social, and religious nature of the topics discussed; this kind of speech is entitled to special protection under American Constitutional law. The Panel may not sidestep these issues merely because Complainant finds the site’s content vulgar or offensive, or because Respondent may have registered and used the site to air a personal grievance or, to use a Biblical phrase, to wreak vengeance upon Complainant. The Constitution’s free speech guaranties extend beyond elegant and temperate prose, stopping only when the speech is defamatory or obscene.

The site’s content is plainly not obscene. This Panel is incapable of determining whether its content is defamatory, though on its face it appears not to be. Many elements necessary to establish the intentional tort of defamation are far beyond the scope of this proceeding: factual bases for statements made, whether Complainant’s pastor is a public figure who would thus be required to prove actual malice, the extent to which Respondent’s commentary is opinion, among many others. It is difficult to imagine how these complicated factual and legal issues could ever be adequately developed in an abbreviated Policy proceeding. These are matters for a court, not a UDRP panel.

For the same reasons the Panel has no way to judge Respondent’s “motive”, and will not presume to do so solely on unsubstantiated allegations or the Panel’s own opinions drawn from Respondent’s website.1

The issue though is not motive or the truth or falsity of Respondent’s comments, but Respondent’s entitlement to use Complainant’s mark as his website address. That subject in criticism cases continues to vex courts and UDRP panels alike. The WIPO Overview (paragraph 2.4) has no consensus or majority view on whether criticism constitutes “a legitimate noncommercial or fair use of the domain name, without intent for commercial gain to misleadingly divert consumers or to tarnish the trademark or service mark at issue,” Policy, paragraph 4(c)(iii):

In the event that a domain name confusingly similar to a trademark is being used for a genuine noncommercial free speech web site, there are two main views. There is also some division between proceedings involving U.S. parties and proceedings involving non-U.S. parties, with few non-U.S. panelists adopting the reasoning in View 2.

“View 1: The right to criticize does not extend to registering a domain name that is identical or confusingly similar to the owner’s registered trademark or conveys an association with the mark.

View 2: Irrespective of whether the domain name as such connotes criticism, the respondent has a legitimate interest in using the trademark as part of the domain name of a criticism site if the use is fair and non-commercial.”

This Panel has consistently adhered to View 1 when, as here, the disputed domain name is identical to Complainant’s mark. E.g., Joseph Dello Russo M.D. v. Michelle Guillaumi, WIPO Case No. D2006-1627; InMed Diagnostic Services, LLC, InMed Diagnostic Services of S.C., LLC, InMed Diagnostic Services of MA, LLC and InMed Diagnostic Services of IL, LLC v. James Harrison, WIPO Case No. D2006-1230; Texans For Lawsuit Reform, Inc. v. Kelly Fero, WIPO Case No. D2004-0778; Justice for Children v. R neetso / Robert W. O’Steen, WIPO Case No. D2004-0175. In so doing this Panel has emphasized the rationale of the “initial interest confusion” doctrine, as View 1 has occasionally been referred to in the courts. As stated in the Dello Russo case, supra, in language that applies with equal force here:

“Respondent’s selection of Complainant’s name for her criticism site allows her to make use of Complainant’s service mark in a manner that would lead an ordinary Internet user initially to believe that Respondent was Complainant or that Respondent had Complainant’s permission to distribute her message. Such use is not legitimate under paragraph 4(a)(ii) of the Policy, and the safe harbor of paragraph 4(c)(iii) is not available because Respondent undeniably intended ‘to misleadingly divert consumers’.”

The present case illustrates very well why applying the initial interest confusion doctrine will not interfere in any way with Respondent’s vigorous exercise of his free speech rights on the Internet. This decision will not require Respondent to change one word of the content of his principal site (including his statements about Complainant), and will not require Respondent to move that content to a new web address. Respondent’s current site will proceed exactly as it does now. Respondent does not post any content at the domain name that incorporates Complainant’s mark; copying Complainant’s mark is not used for free speech, indeed for any speech at all. All commentary may be found at Respondent’s principal website, “www.pulpit-pimps.org”. Rather than using the disputed domain name as a forum for criticism of Complainant or its pastor Respondent uses it only to attract, then immediately divert, individuals searching for Complainant.

Preventing such an appropriation of another’s asset intentionally to mislead is precisely why the Policy was adopted. As the Panel pointed out in Justice for Children v. R neetso / Robert W. O’Steen, supra (emphasis in original):

“Decisions under the Policy focus upon a respondent’s use of another’s mark in a domain name to attract Internet users to respondent’s site. This is true in typosquatting cases and in cases where a respondent selected his domain name in anticipation of subsequent sale to the mark owner. The content of Respondent’s sites in these two categories of cases in which respondents almost uniformly lose is irrelevant to the harm to the mark owner and to the unwary consumer. That harm results from the confusion caused by the initial attraction to the site by means of borrowing the complainant’s mark. And that is exactly the harm the Policy was adopted to address.

[…] By intentionally selecting Complainant’s mark to present his views, he has not made a legitimate use of the domain names.”

One final issue, a matter left open in Justice for Children, remains for consideration. Respondent has been operating his website since early 2005, and the blog features there have attracted many comments from the public. A four-year delay is particularly troubling given the political, religious, and social commentary on Respondent’s website. The public postings are evidence that some individuals who share Respondent’s views have come to rely upon his site as a guidon for their position and advocacy. Facilitating communication among like-minded individuals, after all, is one of the Internet’s great benefits (as well as a highly effective means of its promoting free speech and political activity).

Neither laches nor estoppel is a defense to a Policy proceeding, but continuous use may allow a respondent to establish that he has “been commonly known by the domain name, even if [he has] acquired no trademark or service mark rights” in it, Policy, paragraph 4(c)(ii). When as here the site’s content raises First Amendment issues the Panel is especially concerned about third party reliance. Had Respondent used the disputed domain name itself for his criticism site this would raise a difficult issue. But that domain name is used only to redirect, so any reliance is on “www.pulpit-pimps.org” and not the disputed domain name. As noted this decision affects not at all the content of, public interest in, or web address of what appears to be Respondent’s main website.

The Panel therefore finds that Respondent lacks rights or a legitimate interest in the disputed domain name.

E. Registered and Used in Bad Faith

For similar reasons the Panel concludes that Respondent registered and used the disputed domain name in bad faith. By analogy to the typosquatting cases, where bad faith is presumed from the intentional similarity to the Complainant’s mark, Respondent’s registration and continued use were undertaken intentionally and expressly to disrupt Complainant’s activities to expand the audience for his criticism by misleading Internet users as to the “source, sponsorship, affiliation, or endorsement” of his website, by means of the initial confusion discussed in the preceding section.

7. Decision

For all the foregoing reasons, in accordance with paragraphs 4(i) of the Policy and 15 of the Rules, the Panel orders that the domain name , be transferred to Complainant.

Richard G. Lyon

Sole Panelist

Dated: February 26, 2009

1 The cases cited by Complainant in support of its contention that motive is “crucial” in Policy determinations lend scant support to that argument. The only mention of “vengeance” or “motive” in Kingspan Group Plc and Kingspan Access Floors Limited v. Mark Thomas, WIPO Case No. D2005-0320, is in the panel’s discussion of complainant’s contentions; its decision on the merits took no account of motive. The panel in O2 Centro Wellness, S.L. v. DOMAIN DROP, S.A., WIPO Case No. D2006-1469, while noting that vengeance was not by itself a legitimate use, had found the content on the website disparaging, and decided the case on grounds similar to those adopted by the Panel here (“Freedom of speech does not imply that Respondent may register Complainant’s mark as a domain name.”).

Perhaps because “bad faith” in everyday English connotes a particular state of mind panels may be tempted to judge a party’s (complainant’s or respondent’s) “motive” in evaluating the merits. Bad faith in a Policy proceeding, however, should be judged to the extent possible on a party’s conduct as shown by the objective evidence, with conduct judged against the language in the Policy as developed in Policy proceedings and not a panel’s subjective opinion of the party’s “motive.” As this Panel sees it, a pure heart will not excuse conduct that violates the language of the Policy, nor will an admitted vendetta mandate a finding of bad faith until each applicable Policy criterion has been proven.

Pulpit Pimps | 19 Comments »

Ladies and gentlemen I’ve decided I’ve got to get my “A” game on.

I’m still driving my 1987 Honda Accord (I just got the hood fixed two years after it got hit). I still only have three suits (two of them are over eight years old). And I’ve lived in the same three bedroom house with four children, and a single car garage since 1985.

I still work a 9 to 5 job that requires me to spend two hours commuting every day. And I know, to the penny, my water bill, my electric bill, the amount of gas my Honda uses and my grocery bill. And I know when all of my bills are due.

If I had my “A” game going, I’d be much better off. I could snag something like the following:

1. An annual total compensation package of $600,000
2. A base salary of $250,000
3. A housing allowance of $11,5000/month ($138,000/year)
4. Money for other stuff ($600k-$388k = $212k/year) to include tuition for private school for my kids, a full-time maid, and an equity allowance so I can save up to buy a house.

If I had my “A” game on, I could be just like Brad Braxton, the pastor of Riverside Baptist Church in New York who got exactly the compensation package I just outlined. He even has a couple of old ladies defending his compensation.

I guess I’m just a slacker. I mean, I have all the parts in place. I started my own church, the Praise Immanuel Mighty Prince (PIMP) Temple. And I’m the bishop/pastor/elder so once we start raking in the bucks I should be able to arrange a large cut of the income for me. Afterall, I hired an accountant who barely avoided going to jail when the jury was deadlocked on an embezzling charge against him. I have a knock out Praise team headed by former exotic dancer Vickie “Boom Boom” Parker. And I have an armor bearer who, if he keeps his nose clean, should be able to stay out of prison - as long as he doesn’t assault anyone else during his probation.

All I have to figure out is how best to accomplish the following:

1. Promoting condoms to curb AIDS in Africa
2. Reforming immigration policy – letting even more ILLEGAL aliens in and make them citizens (and Democrats)
3. Supporting and implementing same sex marriage, not fighting it

These are the items Reverend Braxton is pushing. And most of the congregation seems to have no real problem with it. I figure if I avoid actually teaching or preaching the Bible, I should be able to promote the same programs with no real problem. And if I can promote this kind of policy, I should be able to get lots of people to join the PIMP Temple. If I get lots of people in, that means I get more money. Braxton did it with 2,500 members. I should be able to double that crowd in almost no time. From what I remember, Boom Boom could really draw a crowd when she was working it in Baltimore. And if I tell folks what they want to hear, that makes it even better.

I gotta get my “A” game on. I can almost feel the SR22’s left control stick right now. And all I have to do is sell the rest of my soul.

But seriously folks: this guy and guys like him are nothing but hired hands, in it for the pay. The first time things get tough and being a social Christian becomes less than fashionable, this guy will either get saved and hunker down or bolt, leaving what few sheep may be among the goats to fend for themselves.

And we won’t even talk about the fact that some of the church members have filed suit to prevent the reverend from getting the heavenly stimulus package.

(MN: A late tip o’the hat to Ryan for bring this guy to my attention. )

Christian Living, Pulpit Pimps | 21 Comments »

As you all may well know, I greatly dislike computers. I view them first and foremost as minions of Satan, existing mainly to make my life miserable.

Case in point, my external hard drive just crapped out, trapping all my files in a nether land I can’t quite get to. Of course, I set up the external drive so I would not have to go through a lot of hassle if my operating system went haywire (which, of course, it is in the process of doing) because I would have all my day to day files on the external.

So the external drive ends up going spastic and apparently shutting down on me.

I do so hate computers.

Any of you WoFers out there want to speak things that aren’t as though they are? You know, something like “I speak a fully operating hard drive back into existence, one that has twice the memory of the one that crapped out.” Or something like that.

Pulpit Pimps | 24 Comments »

I got Shingles. For those of you who don’t know what it is, think of it as a second helping of Chicken Pox, a very painful second helping of Chicken Pox, emphasizing the “pox” part. I can tell you from personal experience when someone declares a pox upon you and your family, he means for you to be hurting.

But even with this, I have to say that all comes from the hand of God, either for correction, for training, or for strengthening. While it hurts and makes it very difficult for me to concentrate (excruciating pain usually has that effect on me), it forces me to lean on Jesus Christ and His power in my life (1 Cor 12:9-10).

Hey, I’ve used up most of my leave (I only have three days left) and that will disappear as soon as I move to the new Company. Oh. Didn’t I tell you? The company I work for declared bankruptcy and sold the segment I work for to another company. I start more or less from scratch on Monday, 11 May 2009. Oh, and I have to change health care plans, which means I’ll no longer be able to use Kaiser. Of course some of you think that’s a good thing. But my wife likes the neurologist she visits.

Why am I telling you about all these things? Obviously it gives the WoFers out there a chance to start nattering on about God repaying me for my evil ways, putting my moutn on the Mend and Womend of Gawd and all. But I’m sure most of you see God as much bigger than that. And I hope they will too.

One of the Reformed confessions says:

God the great Creator of all things doth uphold, direct, dispose, and govern all creatures, actions, and things, from the greatest even to the least, by His most wise and holy providence, according to His infallible foreknowledge, and the free and immutable counsel of His own will, to the praise of the glory of His wisdom, power, justice, goodness, and mercy.

In other words, all things that “befall” me are ultimately to the glory of God and I am to rejoice (Heb 1:2-4) in them.

Of course, if you’re the average sheeple, you jump up and start telling the Devil he’s a liar (something he already knows). Either that or you will start stomping on Satan’s head. You’ll natter on about “not receiving that illness” even as you scurry to the clinic to get your medicines. And all the while missing the benefits of God’s hand in your life, and on your life. But most importantly, you will be calling God a liar. He says He brings these things in our lives for our good. You say they are tricks of the devil. Which one of you do you think is right? God or you?

Of course, when I think about Josh’s mom, shingles seems pretty trivial. I’m going to get over this in about a week, a painful week, but a week none the less. And should the anti-viral work the way it is supposed to, I will be left with nothing but some minor scarring on my back and the unpleasant memory of my left side being sporadically flooded with pain. I have my meds and they only cost $30 (plus my monthly membership fee, or course). She is spending thousands of dollars to survive and will spend years recovering. And even then she will never be back to where she was.

And speaking of Josh’s mom, think about helping him out some more. This is an opportunity for you to do more than pay a weekly tithe bill. And since you’ll get zero recognition for it, the giving can only be from a pure motive. Go back, click on the link, and send them some money. If you don’t I will declare a pox upon you and your family.

Pulpit Pimps | 98 Comments »

E-mails are a wonderful thing. The pimps use them to get their messages and appeals out to the sheeple. But in the process, they end up sending me information about their latest…uh…ministries. Yeah. That’s what they are. Ministries.

Of course Junie B is no different. In fact, when you consider what she has done to take advantage of the internet while taking advantage of some of the poor dumb sheeple, I wouldn’t expect her to do any less than use all of today’s communications tools to communicate with us.

Just the other day, I got an e-mail from Junie B. I also got a forwarded copy from one of the readers. Here is the headline for the e-mail.

Yep. Junie B has often spoken a little about having a “Prophetic Ministry” (whatever that is), but for the first time, we get a prophecy from the girl. And like most of the Word of Faith, or at least like the folks they associate with (remember, I.V. and company gave Junie B the money to pay the taxes on one of her structures) the prophecies never tell us what we’re doing wrong.

She has, I believe, also been one of the featured speakers at one of Mrs. Hilliard’s Women of Something of the Other conferences. But now, thanks to a commercial organization called “Black Gospel Promotions,” Junie B is able to get the message out that God has a word for you

And in order to give it the full force it deserves, to make sure you have the respect for the prophetic message from this woman of God (who sometimes gets a little too close when she gets in someone’s face) I put it in a format I’m sure will result in the awe and respect I suspect she wants the sheeple to exhibit. Click here and you can see a portion of it. It’s a PDF so give it a moment to download.

If you want a copy of the entire book, send $25 to:

The Praise Immanuel Mighty Prince Temple of Wonderful and Magnificent Happenings
Promote the Prophet Ministries
12456 Anathema Lane
Bowie, MD 20567

Or just click here.

But whatever you do, make sure you don’t delay getting your hands on this powerfully anointed spiritual resource. Read it once and it’ll change your life…and get me that much closer to getting me…or rather…getting the P.I.M.P. Ministries that SR22 God has promised us if you are faithful.

Pulpit Pimps | 26 Comments »

It’s great when articles for the site chase you down and practically write themselves. I usually sit at my computer and mind my own business. Some times I hear a knock at the door and when I open it, there stands an article jumping up and down, waving its arms in excitement, just waiting for me, practically telling me how to present it to you. I love it when that happens.

The latest example is a story about New Light Church, pastored by I. V. and Bridget Hilliard, the Pimps of the Houston Beltway. They are planning a conference ($200 for the conference, by the way) and a getaway, some time away from the hassles and pressures of day to day living. They’ll be gone from July 13th to the 18th, six days to sit at the feet of the Bishop, the presbutero, the elder, the head honcho.

So tell me – do you think he and Bridget are taking a group of sheeple to some quiet retreat where they will have time to slow down and decompress, time to develop the habit of being still, being alone and meditating on God’s Word? Or maybe he’s going to lead them to a week of focused training to develop their ability to accomplish deductive and inductive bible study, to learn to defend the faith, and to accomplish this in an environment free from the distractions of vanity and materialism. You’d think he’d do something like this given the responsibility he has assumed as pastor. You’d think he would do that. But of course, by now you know it’s not in the minds of the pulpit pimps to actually help the sheeple develop spiritually.

Or maybe, if only to maintain the appearance of spirituality, he’s going to take them to the Rockies, or the rainforests of Washington State to picnic and just walk around. Some of that country is so beautiful it practically forces you to recognize the hand of God in its creation. Maybe he’s going to do that. Right? Well, not quite.

Click here and see the getaway the Bishop has planned for his sheeple.

That’s right ladies and gentlemen!! The Bishop is leading his sheeple, and anyone else willing to arrange the trip through his travel agency, to Las Vegas Nevada. And please note - I did absolutely no photoshopping on the flyer cover. None. Click here to download a copy of the brochure to keep as your very own. It’s 9 mb, so make sure you either have a fairly fast connection or some time to wait for it.

Now, I tend to think of myself as something of a Libertarian when it comes to Christianity. You know, I try not to drift in to legalism or pointless prudery, but I have to admit I’m having a difficult time reconciling a church organization patronizing a place that has just about as bad a reputation as Corinth. I mean gosh – for a while the motto of Las Vegas was “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” To say the phrase “Las Vega” automatically brings to mind gambling, prostitution and drinking on a bacchanalian scale.

But Melvin, you say. Just because they’re in Las Vegas, it doesn’t mean they’re going to sin. Las Vegas is family friendly now.

Yeah. The kids can find fun things to do (that don’t involve Heather, Vixen, or Brown Sugar) while dad is busy gambling away the mortgage payments for the next five months.

Of course you could argue that none of the folks in the getaway are going to be gambling or participating in ungodly activities. And that’s probably true. But why would you want to go out of your way to patronize the companies, and the city that provide those things to the rest of the visitors? Do you really want to say it doesn’t matter if I stay at a motel that rents by the hour when there is a reputable one across the street?

Am I saying a Christian should never show his face in Las Vegas? Not at all. I’ve been there twice, both times as a part of my job. But even that brush with the city did more damage than I care to admit.

But don’t despair. The Bishop has made arrangements to make sure his sheeple are fed while they’re there. Here’s a snippet from the brochure.

During this getaway Bishop has planned a time to share Wisdom Insights with all his guests and if you were apart of the PEASI (Personal Executive Administrative Skills Institute) alumni class you get an extra session of impartation from the Bishop. The sessions with Bishop are planned in the morning so that you can relax and enjoy the city in the evening.

Did you catch that? In the morning (not too early, after a night on the town) the Bishop is going to share Wisdom Insghts with you. Probably things like “If you lay down with dogs you’ll get up with fleas.” Or maybe “Stay away from sin and debauchery and you can’t go wrong.” But whatever he’s teaching, if you’ve been conned by him before in PEASI, he’ll impart an extra dose of hog wash on the house (a little Las Vegas lingo there).

Of course the Bishop has a great deal of wisdom, worldly wisdom. If you’ll notice, all travel arrangements are being done through the New Light Travel Agency; obviously a part of the ministry that helps the saints on their sojourn through this life.

After all, no one said the trip can’t be made in opulent style and comfort. You know, the way the Apostles traveled when they went about preaching the Gospel. You do remember Paul’s four horse power, twin axle, hand rubbed mahogany chariot right? Seats four, accelerates from zero to 20 in about a minute and can hold it for at least fifteen minutes without killing the four horses. It had automatic windows (opened and closed by slaves). Top of the line for the day. It even had a GPS in the form of a slave holding a map and telling him which way to turn. The salesman even guaranteed him at least 80 percent of its value at trade in - as long as the horses and slaves were at least moderately healthy.

Let me repeat myself, again. These are not men and women of God. They are pimps and pimpettes, out to separate you from your money and apparently out to so desensitize you to anything related to the spiritual that leaving them for a body of real Christians isn’t even going to cross your mind.

These people play at church and religion while they slowly and surely destroy your soul. They take that which Christ has paid and attempt to make it cheaper than a prostitute’s makeup. (Hey, we are talking about Las Vegas here.) And like the prostitute, once you remove the makeup, it’s impossible for their shiny clothes or their well manicured hands to hide the profound ugliness within. You should run from them even as Wisdom (from Proverbs, not the Bishop) says you should run from the adulteress. Like the adulteress, they will ruin you – and get they’ll get rich while they do it.

Here’s a list of the prices and incidental costs, in case you missed them on the brochure. I called the travel agency yesterday. They said none of this includes airfare out to Vegas and back. And for you die hard sheeple out there - I also found out it’s not too late to sign up for the trip. Just don’t wear one of those stupid church tee shirts while you’re there.

Thanks again to JIL for a heads up.

Pulpit Pimps, The Hilliards | 65 Comments »

I don’t watch most of the reality shows. Let me rephrase that - I can’t stand any of the reality shows with the exception of Trauma: Life in the ER (you DO remember the episode in which a patient came in with a big honkin’ knife stuck in his head, right?). So between my total disdain for that genre of entertainment and the total hilarity of the contents of this take off on “Cheaters Caught on Tape” I was compelled to post this.

Of course you sheeple out there realize that this is just the kind of thing you will have to go through (only a lot more serious) if you decide to go with the truth of the Bible rather than the scams of your pimps and pimpettes. They don’t want you to leave and they will pull every emotional string they can to keep you there.

Thanks to Miguel Soto for publicizing this on his Facebook page.

Pulpit Pimps | 14 Comments »

If all goes well, I will find myself in New Jersey for three days this coming Summer. According to the folks at the Alliance of Confessing Evangelicals, Haledon New Jersey will host the New Jersey Pastors and Lay Leaders Conference 2009. The subject? The sovereignty of God. Of course, I’m not a pastor and…well, I’m not a lay leader either. But if none of you say anything, maybe they will take my money and let me sit there and listen, if I promise to keep my mouth shut.

Some of the speakers include James White, Robert Cameron and Eric Redmond. But more importantly, I’m counting on getting a good re-calibration when it comes to that most gracious doctrine of God’s Sovereignty. Click on the banner, or here, for more details.

I’ve shepherded several discussions over the last few months covering the topic of God’s sovereignty and Calvinish/Monergism vs Arminianism. A lot has been said, theorized and demonized. But for three days, I just want to bask in Monergism, its implications, and its applications.

I attended a conference last year in Philadelphia. And the great thing it wasn’t a case of me being loosed, having a life changing experience, or experiencing the life changing anointing of the greatly anointed speakers. Instead, I got rich solid teaching. I got better grounded in the implications of God’s grace and forgiveness as expressed in the Atonement.

None of the speakers told me to turn to my neighbor – for anything. No one told us we should clap our hands and stomp our feet if we love Jesus. Instead, the speakers looked at the call the Bible makes to us to live holy lives, dedicated to the truth of the Gospel and living in the power of God.

Dr. White is one of my favorite theologians. Now that I have an iPod (I’ve had one for the last year), I download “The Dividing Line” twice a week. And when he doesn’t produce the show, I have withdrawals.

I’m counting on being able to get a lot out of my time there this year.

Why is the conference being held? The participants, six local pastors, joined by two key note speakers (Dr. James White and Pastor Eric Redmond) are gathering together from June 22-24, 2009 to encourage the church at this most anxious time in our nation (let’s face it, Obama and his crew are making us anxious), that we can fully trust a sovereign God who has lovingly and providentially ordained human history for His glory and the good of His people.

I gotta start saving up my money now so I can get a good hotel room. I’ve already reserved a room, now I just have to set aside the cash to pay for it. And I have to snag a slot in the conference. TJ and company, maybe you want to consider coming out to the conference. You’ll be able to get a “full orbed” presentation of this most important doctrine.

Remember – no one will tell you to look at your neighbor, slap your neighbor, or tell your neighbor “I got mine and I’m stomping Satan’s head in the spirit!” Good teaching, good fellowship. You can’t beat it.

Pulpit Pimps | 28 Comments »

I used to wonder how the average Christian got to the point that he should wear a dunce cap. The answer came while I was sitting at my computer minding my own business, typing, as some would say, vicious attacks and the Mend of Gawd who regularly take advantage of the poor dumb sheeple. Suddenly my computer tells me “You’ve got mail!” When I check it, it’s an e-mail from a person I will call Charlie, though that is not even close to this person’s real name. Charlie was responding to one of the articles I posted on Joel “Willow Boy” Osteen several months ago. You know, the one where Willow Boy claims Mormons are Christians since they believe in Jesus too.

Here’s Charlie’s first comment:

I would love to converse with you on a regular basis. As a seminary instructor in Church History, I wish you and I could have an on-going e-mail conversation based on history and tradition rather than on conservative evangelical opinion. Mormonism is a variety of the Christian faith and an “American Original.” They self-identify as Christians and believe that Jesus Christ is the head of their Church. Go to their web-site where you will read the following:

At that point Charlie quoted the contents from the LDS (Latter Day Saints) site

Charlie then went on to say the following:

The early church (meaning 1-2nd century Church) was defined by varieties of Christianity. Some were Gnostic, some were Docetic, others were of the Essene variety. You should do your own intellectual work and take a church history course or read some good academic books on History of Christianity. Let me add, Oneness Pentecostals are not triune either. That doesn’t make them un-Christian. We have varieties of Christianity.

In other words, since there were differences in the early church, big variations now don’t make a particular organization “un-Christian.” In other other words, the Mormons are simply an American variation on some “standard” definition of Christianity.

As Charlie wrote, Charlie added the following about the Mormons:

Let me say, there is more that unites us than divides us. We cannot afford to demean other varieties of faiths and think that there are not consequences to our “self-righteousness.” Divisive fundamentalism is destroying the fabric of our faith and society. It usually demands a you’re wrong and I’m right approach. Jesus said, love one another as I have loved you…

I wrote Charlie back and said the following:

Given the content of your e-mail, I have to believe you are either a Mormon or a very poorly educated Christian.

***This line deleted because it gave information about the instructor***

Do you understand that the state that their god was once like us - flesh and blood - and that we can be like he is? And the name of their god is Adam?

Do you understand that according to Mormon doctrine, Jesus is the result of a physical relationship between Adam (their god) and Mary?

How can you fix your mouth to say that these folks are just a variety of Christianity? They reduce God the Father to nothing more than a man who has made it good. And Jesus is the son of this man.

It turns out I had missed a little something in him initial e-mail. I had missed the part where Charlie said he was a seminary instructor.

But Charlie responds with the following:

Bro. Jones, you need to study church history. I know what I am talking about and no respectable church historian would classify them in this day as anything but a branch of Christianity. Sorry to disappoint you. I hope you will open your mind to this idea. Christians come in all doctrinal walks of life. Take an American church history class at a divinity school or respectable seminary! Moreover, I do not receive my knowledge from you-tube or other internet sites, I actually read the literature and teach history and theology. Read respected historians such as Jan Shipps and Conkin. They have done their academic homework. Take care…

Some how, the fact that these two people pronounce Mormonism to be a part of Christianity, seems to make it so. So far, I’ve seen him turning to academics. But I have yet to see him look at the Bible itself and measure their doctrine against that.

We corresponded a little more. And the more we talked, the more depressed I got. Charlie responded with:

I never claimed that they were Nicean Christians! They are a variety of Christianity, not orthodox/Nicean. You’re getting stuck on doctrinal statements. We have been having these arguments since the Council at Nicea in the 300s. Read the arguments from the 4th century on the nature of Christ, both from the Arian perspective and from the Orthodox perspective. Read the Chalcedonian arguments about the nature of Christ…fully human? fully divine? or only human or only divine? These are historical/doctrinal arguments that go to the heart of the variety of Christianities that exist to this day. Yet, they all claim Christ as savior! “How” they claim it is the question from their perspective. I am not vested in how they understand God, anymore than I am concerned with the Oneness pentecostals or anybody else. I am a nicene Christian. Do not take this debate personally. It’s an academic debate that has long been settled and it does not side with your argument, unfortunately. I gave you a book to read…take a look at it and then let me know what you think of Conkin’s argument.

Apparently, the differences in doctrine are nothing more than, well, differences in doctrine. If I’m understanding him correctly, Charlie doesn’t see doctrine to be that important. And where have we heard that before? And apparently, anyone can take up the moniker of “Christian.” All they have to do is some place in their name or doctrine mention Jesus Christ, however they may define him.

But here’s the biggest non-surprise (or at least an “Oh!!! Now I understand!” item). This person is an instructor at the Ecumenical Theological Seminary in Detroit. Yeah. The Ecumenical Theological Seminary in Detroit MI.

Their site has a page giving a brief biography and a quote from some of the instructors. Here’s a sample:

They have become our role models, highlighted by Jesus Christ, who lived in humility and based His teaching on the needs of His people, modeled on the founders of the faith, including Abraham, Moses, and the prophets, to whom he refers repeatedly in His teachings. The inclusion in His ministry of women, the sick, the lame, the poor, the downtrodden, the outsiders is the inspiration of the new faith that became Christianity.

With people like this getting degrees and training other people, is it any wonder the toothy dufus out of Texas has no problem with the Mormons? Is it easier to understand why the preachers being trained are apparently incapable of telling the difference between a doctrinal error and a walk in the park?

Study for yourself. An awful lot of the church is becoming more and more tainted with teachers and preachers who deny the Gospel which is the power of God or they go with the WoF approach, which denies the Word of God – or at least twists it so badly as to make it worthless.

Study to show yourself approved, a workman who need not feel like a dunce, ever.

Christian Living, Pulpit Pimps | 121 Comments »

Most, if not all of you are familiar with the two people pictured above. The one on the left is Mother Teresa. The one on the right is Adolf Hitler. The Catholic Church has beatified Mother Teresa. In other words, Mother Teresa has taken the first step toward being declared a saint in the Catholic Church. Adolf Hitler, of course, is seen as the very personification of evil in the world.

Which of these people suffers from Total Depravity?

Mother Teresa has cared for hundreds of thousands of the poor, the sick, the down trodden. She was the leader of a religious order within the Catholic Church. She promoted kindness, compassion, pursuit of the truth, and piety. Piety, being defined here as “reverence for God or devout fulfillment of religious obligations.” At every turn she promoted the doctrines piety of the Catholic Church.

Then there’s my man Hitler. This man was the leader of the Nazi Party in Germany. He plunged the European continent into a war in which millions were killed. He initiated an extermination program that killed over eight million people, most of them Jews. He brought war, destruction and hardship to his country. And even when he saw he saw the war was lost, he continued to fight on, ensuring the near total destruction of the German nation.

So, which of them suffers from Total Depravity?

Before we go too far down the road, and before we actually answer the question, let’s define Total Depravity. Many of this blog’s readers often disagree with what’s being said when often they and I have not even come to an understanding of what is being said. The somewhat amusing discussions on the elect is an example. As many of the readers use the words “elect” and “election” it quickly becomes very obvious they don’t understand how the words are being used by a Monergist. What I am going to provide you with is the Monergistic (okay, I’ll say it) or the Calvinist definition of Total Depravity. I’m not real interested in how the readers define Total Depravity. That really isn’t the issue. This article is to discuss what a C-c-calvinist means when he or she uses the term “Total Depravity”. The ensuing discussion should be centered on that definition. You are free to disagree with whether or not such a condition exists, but you may not tell me what I mean when I use the phrase and you must not present another definition to disagree with. And it is my use of the phrase that generates the discussion.

First, what does Total Depravity NOT mean?

It does not mean an inability to do good as man measures good. Before I became a Christian I did those things society considers good. I paid my taxes. I helped the homeless, I didn’t steal (much). I respected and obeyed my parents. I told the truth (most of the time). And I went to church every Sunday (unless I could come up with a good excuse to get out of it). Matthew 23:23 shows the legalists doing that which Jesus said was good. The unsaved do good things as men count good. And sometimes those things appear to match Godly things.

Unlike Jeffrey Dahmer, I didn’t torture and kill small animals when I was a kid. Except for the cat I threw across our yard, I took care of them. I didn’t rape and kill young men like Wayne Gacy, the killer clown out of Illinois. Unlike Bull Conner () I didn’t order people hosed down with high pressure water just because they wanted to be treated like men and women. Neither did I obey the order and hose those people down. And I’d like to think I wouldn’t have “followed orders” and helped murder six million Jews during World War II.

Total Depravity does not mean I am prone to every form of sin. It doesn’t mean I commit adultery, and I lie, and I steal, and I’m a homosexual, and I spread the AIDS virus among all my boyfriends and girlfriends, and I kill people and rape women and fornicate until my brains fall out. It doesn’t mean I practically live to commit the most lascivious of sins as much as possible and as intensely as possible with or to as many people as possible – as much fun as it would seem to be.

Total Depravity doesn’t mean that I am intense in my selfishness and opposition to God. It doesn’t mean I sit around all day, every day, seeing how I can be in opposition to God. It doesn’t mean I spend my time thinking of new ways to be in opposition to God. It doesn’t even mean that I accurately recognize when I am in opposition to God and am glad of it, trying to see how I can better express that opposition.

All of these views of Total Depravity are inaccurate descriptions and proposed manifestations of Total Depravity and its manifestation in the human life. They are all caricatures that are equated to the doctrine of Total Depravity at one time or another. They are, I do believe, the “definitions” most of our dear Arminian readers conjure up when they hear the phrase “Total Depravity.” And they are wrong.

So what IS Total Depravity? What are descriptions of the manifestation of the doctrine in a sinner’s life?

First, every person is guilty of elevating some worldly affection above God and His law. Every person puts something or someone ahead of God. It may be my wife, my children, my car, me (free time, sensuality, etc) or some other object. (Romans 1:24-32) But I make those things more important than the God of the Bible.

Second, every person is supremely determined in his whole inward and outward life, to follow their own desires rather than God’s instructions. They don’t want to follow God, especially if it is an inconvenience. This shows itself by religions that make us feel good about ourselves, actions that satisfy our own desires, whether those desires are innately sinful or not. I may pursue a career in aviation (nothing intrinsically wrong with that), but choose to divorce my wife to make it easier for me to reach my goals. The fact that Joel “Willow Boy” Osteen can fill a basket ball arena with people three times on the average Sunday, is an indicator that people want easy believism not death to self in Christ. (Romans 8:6-7)

The unsaved, no matter how religious, does not want to submit to God. In fact – he can’t submit to God. And remember, I can be moral and still be in rebellion to God. There are plenty of moral atheists, nice Zoroastrians, and honest Taoist. But all reject the God of the Bible and are following their own authority and standards rather than God’s. In fact, if you want to see a “nice” person get really ugly, tell them their righteousness is as filthy rags. Nine times out of ten they will barely be able to resist the urge to get medieval on your buttocks.

Joel Osteen is a nice guy. He has a nice smile and he’s very pleasant. He also preaches about and encourages people to follow a god who is contrary to the God of the Bible. Catholics (who follow their own god and not the God of the Bible) are quite happy with him. However the non-believers, even the religious ones, get very unhappy with men like John MacArthur or James White. In fact, if left to themselves, the more convinced a person is that their own righteousness is sufficient to please God, the more they will like Osteen and the more they will despise MacArthur and White.

Third, every person has an aversion to God which becomes active enmity when God’s will is in direct conflict with his own sinful will. I am more than willing to do things that look good, but I don’t want to do anything that will cause me an inconvenience. I’ll go to church, which is easy to do. But don’t expect me to sacrifice my time, talents, or treasures, depending on which one I consider more valuable to me. No sex with my girlfriend?!?! Oh please! God understands that I’m human and I have human needs.

The man who says this is not referring to the God of the Bible. And if you’ll notice, he’s not consciously rebelling against God, shaking his fist in defiance. He is simply justifying his behavior to himself and others, making it a lot easier to give a rousing performance when he sings in the choir on Sunday.

Fourth, we can be credited with no thought, emotion, or act of which divine holiness can fully approve. This doesn’t say all of our thoughts are evil all the time. Rather it says there is no thought I, as an unsaved person, can have, will have the effect of gaining me the approval of God as a result.

And this is the critical part. There is nothing I can do, say, or think that God can look at and say “Melvin’s not so bad. I accept the thought/word/deed. In fact, he reacted so well in that situation, I’m going to do a little more to draw him in.” Again, from God’s perspective ALL of my works are as filthy rags. To God, without the “Christ filter”, everything I think, say, and do falls short of the glory of God (Romans 3:20-23) and I am condemned.

So, to get back to Mother Teresa and Adolf.

If Mother Teresa never received by faith the work done by Jesus Christ on the cross, she was totally depraved (She died seveal years ago). It is extremely unlikely she was born again since by her own words she completely accepted the works-centered doctrine of the Catholic Church. And if she wasn’t born again, she was totally depraved.

Most of us would agree that it is very unlikely Hitler was, in faith, born again. As a result, he too is counted as totally depraved.

Notice it’s not a matter of degree. The “totality” is the same in both. Both fall short of the glory of God. Both were enemies of God. And both were in rebellion to God. But it’s not always their outward actions that indicate the rebellion. And it’s almost never the outward actions that indicate the state of total depravity.

All men, prior to salvation, suffer from Total Depravity. All men, prior to salvation, are rightly deserving of hell. And if God saved no one, He would be perfectly just in His actions. All men, prior to salvation, refuse to turn their minds toward the God of the Bible. The guy knocking boots with his girlfriend is not interested in the Gospel or in God. He may get emotional, cry, and give hours of his time to the choir. But unless God acts on his heart, he will not respond to the Gospel. Nor will he want to respond. Only through God moving on their hearts, can the totally depraved believe the Gospel. And only if God moves on their hearts can they accept the Gospel. But more importantly, if God moves on their hearts, they will accept the Gospel. (Acts 13:48).

Christian Living | 74 Comments »

Here’s a little filler while I finish up with the Total Depravity article.
Time Magazine is running a series called “Ten Ideas Changing the World Right Now.” One of those ideas is Calvinism, or as we dodgers prefer to call it, Monergism. Click on the hyperlink in this paragraph to see the article.

The article talks about what appears to be a general trending back to a theological framework that reflects a Reformed theology rather than the cotton-candy-God-is-your-friend stuff that’s out there now.

I found it interesting that the article’s writer (David van Biema) and obviously his editor, seem to have a better grasp of the overall principles of Monergism than a lot of the readers on this site. The writer used our terminology correctly, came to some valid conclusions, and only took a shot at the Reformers every once in a while.

While I wouldn’t recommend the article as a resource for studying the Reformation (or Christianity), for you out there who really seem to have trouble understanding even the basics of the Reformation and the basics of Monergism, it does make for a short and effective primer.

A tip of the hat to Timanda for bring the article to my attention.

Christian Living | 100 Comments »

As you know, if you criticize one of the pulpit pimps, the sycophantic sheeple will respond with one of many knee jerk reactions (aka KJRs). The Pulpit Pimps love the KRJs. Of course, as is the case with most things, the pimps value some KJRs more than others.

For your consideration, I’ve ranked the top ten KJRs. And though the ranking is as I say it is, because I am a kind benevolent dictator, I’ve also provided you with the reasons I ranked the KJRs in the positions they have.

Number 10: He/she has an anointed ministry – This is a somewhat generic KJR. It’s the one every pimp and proto-pimp has to get before he or she can move to the next level. You don’t have to dress especially well and you don’t have to be particularly good looking. Number 10 provides that initial veneer you need to start on your way.

Number 9: You’re just jealous of what God is doing in his life – This KJR allows the sycophant to shut down criticism by attacking the messenger. However, it doesn’t work very well if the critic is actually sure of what he or she is saying or if the sycophant suffers from some bit of jealousy himself.

Number 8: You don’t want the man of God to scrimp like us do you? – This particular KJR is effective in blinding the average sycophant to the luxurious lifestyle led by the pimp. Unfortunately, it’s somewhat passive in nature, causing the members of the congregation to be willing to stay where they are financially. It doesn’t do enough to encourage the average congregant to give a bunch of money, even if they have to use a credit card to give.

Number 7: Don’t be a hater – This KJR makes the defender feel good about himself. He can convince himself that he, unlike the critic, is loving and caring. It allows the sycophant to ignore whatever the critic is saying because obviously the critic is not spiritual, not if he is a hater.

Number 6: Abraham, David, and Solomon were rich – Though in the bottom half of the pimps’ favorites, it is still an effective way to begin to instill the love of money and riches in the congregation. Once they convince themselves they SHOULD be rich, the congregation will be more willing to do whatever the pimps says will make them rich. Those things almost always include giving the pimp money.

Number 5: Touch not my anointed and do my prophet no harm – For instilling plain old fear and shutting down critical thinking, there is no better line. Once the people believe there is something special about the pimp, and once they begin to believe that treating the pimp with a great deal of deference is essential to their own well being, all arguments, disagreements and discussions go way down.

Number 4: You don’t have the right to judge – This KJR allows the sycophant to not only shut down criticism of the pimp, it lets him shut down criticism of the defender as well. Armed with this, the average sycophant is able to not only defend the pimp, but is able to heap tons of condemnation on the critic.

Number 3: God’s obviously blessing him. Look at the size of the church and the size of the congregation - This is one of the top KJRs. It is virtually a self fulfilling reaction. The better the pimp does, the truer the KJR rings. The more extreme the wealth of the pimp, the more stuff he or she has, the more this KJR works.

Number 2: We shouldn’t cause division – No one wants to be a divider. Most of us just want to get along. This KJR not only takes advantage of this desire on the part of folks, it completely silences disagreement. This KJR allows the sycophant to appeal to the Body of Christ and allows them to really look spiritual. All the while, the pimp is free to continue his vile activities within the Body.

And pimps’ number one, all time favorite knee jerk reaction by the sheeple to criticism of their pimp is:

I just want to know Jesus – This is the pimps’ all time favorite KJR. This KJR accomplishes several things. First, it keeps the Christian stupid. Doctrine? I don’t need no steenkin’ doctrine! I just want to know Jesus. As a result, the pimp can say whatever he wants and can do whatever he wants. The sycophant will always be too stupid to be able to resist the efforts of the pimps to take them to the cleaners.
While keeping the sycophant stupid, it also keeps them feeling really religious. After all, they just want Jesus right? They want the pure religion, undefiled by petty human reasoning. After all, there is a way that seems right to man…but I just want to know Jesus. In reality, the victims are a bunch of lazy sheep, looking for good feelings and a thrill up their leg. And the pimp is more than happy to keep the sycophants exactly where they are.

Pulpit Pimps | 36 Comments »